[hold onto this for just a little while long--that sounds too much like Allen's own thoughts, so his own smile settles into something more genuine, albeit sadder.]
It's not just that they're forced to kill, Allen. They're compelled to. They're cursed to the point where they think they have no choice. And it's not until they're voted out that they get any clarity over their thoughts. They just...think what they're doing is a necessary evil. That the other team will doom everyone to death and destruction if they're left alive, and they have to act to save everyone they can.
The killers, they're compelled to kill people of the other team.
[And it's weighing heavily on Rin's mind because he knows exactly one other person's role, among the living.]
[if Allen knew the phrase, he would be thinking it here.
oh sweet summer child...]
I know. Or, well... I haven't been told that, but I was assuming.
When I first told someone the team I was on, I was panicking. Because I thought that they might be compelled to act on it. I was lucky enough that the person I told happened to be on the same team.
[but this smile, it's... so sad.]
And when you told me, that's why... [he reacted that way.] Back home, when the Black Order declared me a Noah, it didn't just mean that I wasn't an Exorcist anymore. It also meant that my comrades, who were still Exorcists, would have to hunt me down as the enemy.
[Ah, so he knew. In a way it makes this conversation easier, but it still hurts. Once again, Rin has been left behind without the knowledge of how the world works. Had Allen not told him to protect him? If so, Allen and Yukio have another thing in common now.]
I don't regret telling you. And if you came to me one Thursday night, I wouldn't be angry. Sad, because I know you don't really want any of that, but not angry. I just...wish it wasn't like that. That I didn't have to worry about how much all of this could end up hurting you.
[Because he...
...]
I wanna say I'll never hunt you down, but the dust angel might still end up visiting me too. I'll never hunt you down and mean it, how does that sound?
The thing is... I don't even know if I'll be me if I do go to you on a Thursday night.
And if it's that guy--or even if it's not, but especially if it is--don't hold back, okay?
[hello, Allen has indeed been keeping those fears under wraps all this time. but whether it was to protect Rin or protect himself... either way, Allen thinks it was probably a little too selfish of him.
[Rin does not have nearly enough details to fully get what Allen is implying here, but he's assuming it's something similar to his problem with the demon, so.]
...I won't. I don't think 'he' would let me anyway. He's always talking about wanting to fight you and stuff, you know.
[But he just agrees to it so easily. Even if it's selfish of Allen to ask, Rin doesn't mind giving him these reassurances. After all, Allen is important to him. Rin's heart would ache too much if he didn't give what he could.]
It's the same for you, yeah? If 'he' shows up, don't hold back.
[The demon might be laughing in the back of his mind, but it's okay. Rin is laughing too.]
I'm gonna use up all my fire before Thursday night next week, if we're not in a cold place again. I don't want him to have access to it. And maybe I should use up all my feathers too. He only beat Tsuru because of the fire, without that fire he never would've grabbed Tsuru's daemon.
Then, shall I use up my Innocence activations before then as well?
[just asking to make the point, really.]
That doesn't sound very much like "not holding back", Rin. If you're using up everything first. That sounds more like you're planning to get yourself killed. And I won't allow for that.
The Church may no longer see me as one, but I'm an Exorcist. Don't take me so lightly.
[How does he even start to explain the trauma that he has because of his fire?]
I won't hold back, but I know him. I can hear his voice in my mind even now. He'll use that fire to torture you and then force me to watch you die when you're beyond helping, and I don't want that. He doesn't need that fire to be deadly anyway.
[Allen goes quiet, the full weight of that actually settling the way Rin's intending. so it's really a self-preservation kind of request, too. he can understand that.]
All right.
But I also need you to understand that this Noah, the Fourteenth, Nea--he isn't me. In any sense. Entirely different memories, entirely different personality that was implanted in me. It's not like your situation, so I don't... know what he'll do. I don't know much about him at all, really.
Right. If it comes to it, he's an entirely different person.
['I want to fight him. Draw him out.'
Rin is immediately shoving those impulsive thoughts from the demon as far away from his mind as he can. No fighting, no forcing Nea out. This is a what-if scenario.]
If he's someone else entirely then I guess I can't kiss you back, huh?
[It's embarrassing to say and he almost stumbles over the word, but he's trying to fluster Allen so the conversation isn't quite so serious.]
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2021-11-07 03:36 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-11-07 03:39 am (UTC)[He's smiling, but it's a little sad. Stuff is weighing on his mind a lot right now.]
Call me selfish, but I'd like to hold onto this for just a little while longer. So I don't mind cooking whatever you want to eat.
no subject
Date: 2021-11-07 03:45 am (UTC)Something making you feel it especially so?
no subject
Date: 2021-11-07 04:01 am (UTC)It's not just that they're forced to kill, Allen. They're compelled to. They're cursed to the point where they think they have no choice. And it's not until they're voted out that they get any clarity over their thoughts. They just...think what they're doing is a necessary evil. That the other team will doom everyone to death and destruction if they're left alive, and they have to act to save everyone they can.
The killers, they're compelled to kill people of the other team.
[And it's weighing heavily on Rin's mind because he knows exactly one other person's role, among the living.]
no subject
Date: 2021-11-07 04:06 am (UTC)oh sweet summer child...]
I know. Or, well... I haven't been told that, but I was assuming.
When I first told someone the team I was on, I was panicking. Because I thought that they might be compelled to act on it. I was lucky enough that the person I told happened to be on the same team.
[but this smile, it's... so sad.]
And when you told me, that's why... [he reacted that way.] Back home, when the Black Order declared me a Noah, it didn't just mean that I wasn't an Exorcist anymore. It also meant that my comrades, who were still Exorcists, would have to hunt me down as the enemy.
So it's really... not anything unexpected.
no subject
Date: 2021-11-07 04:20 am (UTC)I don't regret telling you. And if you came to me one Thursday night, I wouldn't be angry. Sad, because I know you don't really want any of that, but not angry. I just...wish it wasn't like that. That I didn't have to worry about how much all of this could end up hurting you.
[Because he...
...]
I wanna say I'll never hunt you down, but the dust angel might still end up visiting me too. I'll never hunt you down and mean it, how does that sound?
no subject
Date: 2021-11-07 04:29 am (UTC)And if it's that guy--or even if it's not, but especially if it is--don't hold back, okay?
[hello, Allen has indeed been keeping those fears under wraps all this time. but whether it was to protect Rin or protect himself... either way, Allen thinks it was probably a little too selfish of him.
about as selfish as this kind of ask.]
no subject
Date: 2021-11-07 04:37 am (UTC)[Rin does not have nearly enough details to fully get what Allen is implying here, but he's assuming it's something similar to his problem with the demon, so.]
...I won't. I don't think 'he' would let me anyway. He's always talking about wanting to fight you and stuff, you know.
[But he just agrees to it so easily. Even if it's selfish of Allen to ask, Rin doesn't mind giving him these reassurances. After all, Allen is important to him. Rin's heart would ache too much if he didn't give what he could.]
It's the same for you, yeah? If 'he' shows up, don't hold back.
no subject
Date: 2021-11-07 04:43 am (UTC)[might die in the process but boy would he put up a fight.]
no subject
Date: 2021-11-07 04:50 am (UTC)[The demon might be laughing in the back of his mind, but it's okay. Rin is laughing too.]
I'm gonna use up all my fire before Thursday night next week, if we're not in a cold place again. I don't want him to have access to it. And maybe I should use up all my feathers too. He only beat Tsuru because of the fire, without that fire he never would've grabbed Tsuru's daemon.
no subject
Date: 2021-11-07 04:53 am (UTC)[just asking to make the point, really.]
That doesn't sound very much like "not holding back", Rin. If you're using up everything first. That sounds more like you're planning to get yourself killed. And I won't allow for that.
The Church may no longer see me as one, but I'm an Exorcist. Don't take me so lightly.
no subject
Date: 2021-11-07 05:00 am (UTC)[How does he even start to explain the trauma that he has because of his fire?]
I won't hold back, but I know him. I can hear his voice in my mind even now. He'll use that fire to torture you and then force me to watch you die when you're beyond helping, and I don't want that. He doesn't need that fire to be deadly anyway.
no subject
Date: 2021-11-07 05:32 pm (UTC)All right.
But I also need you to understand that this Noah, the Fourteenth, Nea--he isn't me. In any sense. Entirely different memories, entirely different personality that was implanted in me. It's not like your situation, so I don't... know what he'll do. I don't know much about him at all, really.
no subject
Date: 2021-11-07 05:41 pm (UTC)['I want to fight him. Draw him out.'
Rin is immediately shoving those impulsive thoughts from the demon as far away from his mind as he can. No fighting, no forcing Nea out. This is a what-if scenario.]
If he's someone else entirely then I guess I can't kiss you back, huh?
[It's embarrassing to say and he almost stumbles over the word, but he's trying to fluster Allen so the conversation isn't quite so serious.]
no subject
Date: 2021-11-07 05:57 pm (UTC)Well, you could but I can't say he'd appreciate it much.
[but Allen would think it's charming and also funny. which is why he'll plant a kiss on Rin's cheek right now.]
no subject
Date: 2021-11-07 07:25 pm (UTC)[He's teasing. Lightly.
Aaaand then he goes red when Allen kisses him on the cheek. But he looks pleased with this? Yes, this is good.]