He's reminded of how Allen is a lot like Yukio and that Yukio always took great pains to hide things he wasn't forthcoming about.
It makes Rin hesitate in asking about the jar. Not today, he decides. If it's distracting Allen, then it might be something important. Best to let Allen talk about it when he's ready.]
Yeah, it's been a day. Or a couple days for you, I guess.
[He tries to smile, to lighten the mood. 'Tries' being the operative word.]
Now I know what it was like for you a couple weeks ago.
[there's an attempt at a smile but it's all wrong, really. there's still signs of bruising, especially around his right temple but he's actually looking a lot better than he was earlier.]
Nero used a pretty strong healing spell on me, so I'm fine now--Rowan's fine, too, aren't you?
[he reaches up to pat her fluff while she gives a sorrowful sing-song call and leans into the touch.]
Really, though, I would have survived even without that. So it probably would have been better to use on the Temporals...
Those aren't the wounds I'm worried about, you know.
[He's been on a CYOA Allen, he knows how terrible they are. He points to his own chest, tapping directly over his heart. Those are the wounds that worry him.]
[Rin is reading between the lines there, and he's going to tell Allen exactly what he hears.]
'If I'd been a bit stronger or a bit quicker'. So you fought really hard to try to save her, didn't you? Even if the result wasn't what you wanted, you gave it everything you had to protect her.
[it comes out a bit more sharply than he really means for it to, so he looks away, smiling falling off as he looks down at the snow.]
... they separated us from Yoo Joonghyuk-ssi and Mr. Sholmes. A room full of cages. With kids and their daemons separated. Testing levels of Dust. I was put on one side of the room, older kids; she was put on the other side, younger kids. Even when I managed to get out--I couldn't get across the room. They tore at Rowan's neck, beat me down, threw me back in. And took Miss Rika away because of her Dust's quality or quantity, I don't know.
I managed to break out again, thought I could break the kids out--but they ended up getting killed or thrown back in before the end. I found the other two--they were there when another little girl was subjected to what Miss Rika was not long after.
[That sounds bad! Really, really bad! And Allen will barely finish his explanation before Rin is trying to tug him into a hug. Hugs always help when talking about tough stuff like this, right? It always helps Rin, so maybe it will help Allen.]
It sounds...really bad yeah. And you both shouldn't have had to go through that.
[Allen doesn't resist the getting pulled into a hug but he's not really hugging back, standing kind of stiffly because he's trying. to keep it reined in, locked down. what good would it do for anyone to fall apart...?]
W-when we found her, she was in a different cage. An electric blade coming down. Yoo Joonghyuk-ssi tried to disable the system, Mr. Sholmes tried to find a weak point in the cage, and I--I hit it. With my hand? And the blade went down faster and we couldn't stop it--
[and he's shaking because he can still hear Rika crying for her daemon, crying about how she didn't want to be alone and they didn't even say anything to her.]
We didn't... even say anything to her. Just. Tried to stop it...
[See, Rin is of the opposite mind. Keeping stuff in, trying to look controlled, that's no good at all. Falling apart isn't just okay, it's actually important. Because you can't start picking up the pieces and rebuilding yourself until you've let yourself fall apart.
So even if Allen doesn't react to the hug, Rin just keeps holding onto him regardless. It's a physical reminder that he's here, and that he can be the strong one for the moments when Allen needs to be weak.]
But you tried. Even if it didn't turn out right, you tried.
What happened, it's horrible. But you're not the scientists who did that. You didn't turn your back on Rika, you didn't fail her. You tried. And even if shit's all fucked up, the fact that you tried shows that you're a good person. That even if you couldn't stop it, you were still trying.
[In the back of his mind, Rin can see all of the mis-steps he's made. A sword running through his father. A room bathed in blue fire while a friend bleeds out on the floor. A lost teenage boy, kneeling on the ground and ready to die only to see a brother make the worst sacrifice possible.]
Things just...don't always turn out okay. And it leaves a lot of scars on the heart. But it hurts because you care, and that's better than not caring and feeling nothing.
[his trauma's showing because he can't, he really can't. grieving so much, heart aching so badly about everything that's happened--he's made the worst mistakes of his life when it was like this so he absolutely... cannot...]
[He will keep repeating that as many times as Allen needs to hear it.]
It hurts now, and I know you're being too hard on yourself. But it gets easier eventually. It might take days or weeks or even longer, but eventually you'll be able to stand on your own two feet again.
And until then, I'll give you a piggyback ride, yeah? What happened to you, it's some heavy shit. So let me help you carry it, okay?
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2021-11-05 11:37 pm (UTC)He's reminded of how Allen is a lot like Yukio and that Yukio always took great pains to hide things he wasn't forthcoming about.
It makes Rin hesitate in asking about the jar. Not today, he decides. If it's distracting Allen, then it might be something important. Best to let Allen talk about it when he's ready.]
Yeah, it's been a day. Or a couple days for you, I guess.
[He tries to smile, to lighten the mood. 'Tries' being the operative word.]
Now I know what it was like for you a couple weeks ago.
no subject
Date: 2021-11-05 11:41 pm (UTC)[there's an attempt at a smile but it's all wrong, really. there's still signs of bruising, especially around his right temple but he's actually looking a lot better than he was earlier.]
Nero used a pretty strong healing spell on me, so I'm fine now--Rowan's fine, too, aren't you?
[he reaches up to pat her fluff while she gives a sorrowful sing-song call and leans into the touch.]
Really, though, I would have survived even without that. So it probably would have been better to use on the Temporals...
no subject
Date: 2021-11-06 12:03 am (UTC)[He's been on a CYOA Allen, he knows how terrible they are. He points to his own chest, tapping directly over his heart. Those are the wounds that worry him.]
no subject
Date: 2021-11-06 12:51 am (UTC)[he pauses a bit before. giving a bit of a small laugh, a little torn.]
Then again, my trying to use brute force just made it all happen quicker.
no subject
Date: 2021-11-06 01:23 am (UTC)[Rin is reading between the lines there, and he's going to tell Allen exactly what he hears.]
'If I'd been a bit stronger or a bit quicker'. So you fought really hard to try to save her, didn't you? Even if the result wasn't what you wanted, you gave it everything you had to protect her.
no subject
Date: 2021-11-06 02:03 am (UTC)[it comes out a bit more sharply than he really means for it to, so he looks away, smiling falling off as he looks down at the snow.]
... they separated us from Yoo Joonghyuk-ssi and Mr. Sholmes. A room full of cages. With kids and their daemons separated. Testing levels of Dust. I was put on one side of the room, older kids; she was put on the other side, younger kids. Even when I managed to get out--I couldn't get across the room. They tore at Rowan's neck, beat me down, threw me back in. And took Miss Rika away because of her Dust's quality or quantity, I don't know.
I managed to break out again, thought I could break the kids out--but they ended up getting killed or thrown back in before the end. I found the other two--they were there when another little girl was subjected to what Miss Rika was not long after.
[so there was... a lot of Failure that happened.]
no subject
Date: 2021-11-06 02:22 am (UTC)It sounds...really bad yeah. And you both shouldn't have had to go through that.
no subject
Date: 2021-11-06 02:30 am (UTC)W-when we found her, she was in a different cage. An electric blade coming down. Yoo Joonghyuk-ssi tried to disable the system, Mr. Sholmes tried to find a weak point in the cage, and I--I hit it. With my hand? And the blade went down faster and we couldn't stop it--
[and he's shaking because he can still hear Rika crying for her daemon, crying about how she didn't want to be alone and they didn't even say anything to her.]
We didn't... even say anything to her. Just. Tried to stop it...
no subject
Date: 2021-11-06 02:44 am (UTC)So even if Allen doesn't react to the hug, Rin just keeps holding onto him regardless. It's a physical reminder that he's here, and that he can be the strong one for the moments when Allen needs to be weak.]
But you tried. Even if it didn't turn out right, you tried.
What happened, it's horrible. But you're not the scientists who did that. You didn't turn your back on Rika, you didn't fail her. You tried. And even if shit's all fucked up, the fact that you tried shows that you're a good person. That even if you couldn't stop it, you were still trying.
[In the back of his mind, Rin can see all of the mis-steps he's made. A sword running through his father. A room bathed in blue fire while a friend bleeds out on the floor. A lost teenage boy, kneeling on the ground and ready to die only to see a brother make the worst sacrifice possible.]
Things just...don't always turn out okay. And it leaves a lot of scars on the heart. But it hurts because you care, and that's better than not caring and feeling nothing.
no subject
Date: 2021-11-06 03:24 am (UTC)[his trauma's showing because he can't, he really can't. grieving so much, heart aching so badly about everything that's happened--he's made the worst mistakes of his life when it was like this so he absolutely... cannot...]
no subject
Date: 2021-11-06 03:33 am (UTC)[He will keep repeating that as many times as Allen needs to hear it.]
It hurts now, and I know you're being too hard on yourself. But it gets easier eventually. It might take days or weeks or even longer, but eventually you'll be able to stand on your own two feet again.
And until then, I'll give you a piggyback ride, yeah? What happened to you, it's some heavy shit. So let me help you carry it, okay?