I...get a lot of flack from pretty much everyone back home. People just look at me and assume I'm gonna cause trouble, or that I'm stupid, or that I'll never amount to anything. So it's not anything new.
Why do you care about what people who'd say that about you think?
I'm not saying I don't understand... but "a lot of people" isn't "everyone". And I'd think those are the people who are more important to consider. Not the jerks who judge things without knowing anything.
[Why DOES he think that? It's a simple question with a complicated answer. How does one explain years and years of experiences and how they have shaped him to be who he is today?
Rin is quiet for a moment. Thoughtful, even, far more thoughtful than he usually is. And when he answers, it's without the same enthusiasm his words normally carry. Somber, resigned.]
Well...when people keep calling you a monster, eventually you start to believe it. You spend 15 years of your life telling yourself "they're all just jerks. There's nothing wrong with you, you're not a monster. It's just a bad temper." only to wake up one day with fangs and a tail and realize that hey, maybe they were right all along. You ARE a monster after all. And every day after that, when you see the same fear and disgust mirrored in face after face and you know it's caused by how you look and act, it's easy to hate that part of yourself.
I know I'm stupid. I know I'm dangerous. I know I have a lot of limits on the kind of life I can live, if I even live long enough to grow up and get a job. But it still sucks to hear other people remind you of that day after day, you know?
[Allen did say he wasn't asking because he didn't understand--he does understand, a little too well, maybe. but he pushes that aside, focuses on Rin and frowns at those last few things in particular.]
You're not stupid. Stupid people don't think about these things. Stupid people say stupid things that make people feel badly about themselves.
[Mr. van Zieks is stupid, in other words.]
Maybe you have a potential to be something dangerous, but that doesn't make you useless, either. Isn't it really more that you just haven't had much reason to apply yourself because others look down on you?
No, I can't go blaming everyone for my own problems. If it was just one person then sure, maybe that guy's an asshole. But if everyone is saying the same thing, then it's a problem with me and not them.
...It's okay, Allen. I know I'm not useless at everything. I'm a damn good cook, and I'm getting really good at using my fire. I'll find my own way somehow. It's just gonna be a hell of a fight to get there.
[Even if he's so sure Allen is just saying it to be nice, it actually does feel good to have someone rooting for him. It gives him that little boost of confidence he really could use right now.]
[The sharpness startles Rin a bit. Allen your gentlemanly tones.]
It's- I mean, most people here haven't said anything about me being useless or a danger, but I just thought I was surrounded by people who were trying to be nice about it.
[Another pause.]
The whole Order can't be full of shitty people, right? They're fighting to save the world and all, they gotta be good people.
Well. I guess it was kinda uncool of that Angel asshole to cut my foot off like he did. And the Grigori didn't need to order my death like ten times in the last six months and then go back on it.
[Rin please advocate for your well-being more often.]
[YEP, THAT SOUNDS LIKE AN EXORCIST ORDER BEING RUN BY A CHURCH OR SOMETHING.]
Haa... they really have it out for you, huh.
And see? You made the point earlier, too. People here don't do that. Because a lot of the people here probably have similar experiences. Or are just decent people who wouldn't.
...ha. Maybe I really have been running into jerks this whole time.
[Rin is still sure that his own behaviors play some part in it. After all, his dad was the best dad in the world, and he still tried to teach Rin to control his temper and to be kind in all circumstances. They're lessons he's still learning, even now.
But maybe it's okay to be kind to himself too, and accept that he deserves to be treated better.]
Thanks, Allen. I'm lucky to have a friend like you.
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2021-10-17 02:26 am (UTC)[A pause.]
I...get a lot of flack from pretty much everyone back home. People just look at me and assume I'm gonna cause trouble, or that I'm stupid, or that I'll never amount to anything. So it's not anything new.
[It just hurts to hear over and over again.]
no subject
Date: 2021-10-17 03:28 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-10-17 04:09 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-10-17 04:50 am (UTC)I'm not saying I don't understand... but "a lot of people" isn't "everyone". And I'd think those are the people who are more important to consider. Not the jerks who judge things without knowing anything.
no subject
Date: 2021-10-17 05:12 am (UTC)[Why DOES he think that? It's a simple question with a complicated answer. How does one explain years and years of experiences and how they have shaped him to be who he is today?
Rin is quiet for a moment. Thoughtful, even, far more thoughtful than he usually is. And when he answers, it's without the same enthusiasm his words normally carry. Somber, resigned.]
Well...when people keep calling you a monster, eventually you start to believe it. You spend 15 years of your life telling yourself "they're all just jerks. There's nothing wrong with you, you're not a monster. It's just a bad temper." only to wake up one day with fangs and a tail and realize that hey, maybe they were right all along. You ARE a monster after all. And every day after that, when you see the same fear and disgust mirrored in face after face and you know it's caused by how you look and act, it's easy to hate that part of yourself.
I know I'm stupid. I know I'm dangerous. I know I have a lot of limits on the kind of life I can live, if I even live long enough to grow up and get a job. But it still sucks to hear other people remind you of that day after day, you know?
[Someone has serious self esteem problems, yep.]
no subject
Date: 2021-10-17 10:01 pm (UTC)You're not stupid. Stupid people don't think about these things. Stupid people say stupid things that make people feel badly about themselves.
[Mr. van Zieks is stupid, in other words.]
Maybe you have a potential to be something dangerous, but that doesn't make you useless, either. Isn't it really more that you just haven't had much reason to apply yourself because others look down on you?
no subject
Date: 2021-10-17 10:47 pm (UTC)No, I can't go blaming everyone for my own problems. If it was just one person then sure, maybe that guy's an asshole. But if everyone is saying the same thing, then it's a problem with me and not them.
...It's okay, Allen. I know I'm not useless at everything. I'm a damn good cook, and I'm getting really good at using my fire. I'll find my own way somehow. It's just gonna be a hell of a fight to get there.
[Even if he's so sure Allen is just saying it to be nice, it actually does feel good to have someone rooting for him. It gives him that little boost of confidence he really could use right now.]
no subject
Date: 2021-10-17 10:59 pm (UTC)[just. a bit sharp, a bit empathic because he just absolutely cannot accept that first thing.]
It really does mean that you're just around shitty people.
[Allen??? your gentlemanly tones where have they gone?????]
no subject
Date: 2021-10-17 11:12 pm (UTC)It's- I mean, most people here haven't said anything about me being useless or a danger, but I just thought I was surrounded by people who were trying to be nice about it.
[Another pause.]
The whole Order can't be full of shitty people, right? They're fighting to save the world and all, they gotta be good people.
no subject
Date: 2021-10-17 11:15 pm (UTC)DEEP BREATHS.
puts his hands on Rin's shoulders.]
Just because people are working together toward a "greater good" doesn't mean they are always, individually, good people.
cw: dismemberment talk
Date: 2021-10-17 11:19 pm (UTC)...
Well. I guess it was kinda uncool of that Angel asshole to cut my foot off like he did. And the Grigori didn't need to order my death like ten times in the last six months and then go back on it.
[Rin please advocate for your well-being more often.]
no subject
Date: 2021-10-17 11:22 pm (UTC)Haa... they really have it out for you, huh.
And see? You made the point earlier, too. People here don't do that. Because a lot of the people here probably have similar experiences. Or are just decent people who wouldn't.
... some are jerks, though.
[gonna be real on that front.]
no subject
Date: 2021-10-18 12:20 am (UTC)[Rin is still sure that his own behaviors play some part in it. After all, his dad was the best dad in the world, and he still tried to teach Rin to control his temper and to be kind in all circumstances. They're lessons he's still learning, even now.
But maybe it's okay to be kind to himself too, and accept that he deserves to be treated better.]
Thanks, Allen. I'm lucky to have a friend like you.
no subject
Date: 2021-10-18 02:39 am (UTC)mostly because those words have Allen freezing up, looking a bit at a loss.]
--sorry?
[as if he... heard wrong...]
no subject
Date: 2021-10-18 03:43 am (UTC)Ah? What's wrong?
no subject
Date: 2021-10-19 04:06 am (UTC)[aaaaahhhh??]
no subject
Date: 2021-10-19 11:39 am (UTC)[Oh boy is that eyebrow raised.]
no subject
Date: 2021-10-19 04:30 pm (UTC)[please understand...]
no subject
Date: 2021-10-19 10:24 pm (UTC)Well I guess I'll have to keep calling you my friend until you get used to it.