[ sebastian pauses on his way to all of the week 3 graves when he hears rin's voice. ...he's not sure who he's talking to either, and he looks a little uncomfortable about answering. ]
...Sorry. Without having any solid suspects until it was too late... I think it was the best option we had.
[ truthfully, even if they did have the others figured out, he might have still voted this way. it's not about vengeance or anything, it's just... whoever bears the most personal responsibility for their actions should take that responsibility, he thinks.
...his feelings are a little more complicated after talking to harrow, but he still thinks this is right. he doesn't regret his vote.
[Logically he understands that people will say Hua Cheng was the right choice in that situation. Someone had to get voted out, and picking someone who had killed before was considered the 'least horrible' answer. And Hua Cheng had been painted as a villain, both by the note and his own actions, so of course people would vote for him. Rin understands matters of the heart well, and he knows everyone was making the best of a bad situation.
He just wishes that he would stop ending up on the losing end of those 'making the best of a bad situation' decisions.]
I guess so. Voting out a known killer only condemns one person to death, yeah?
[Rin actually does not believe that is the correct choice. But he knows a lot of people do believe it, so he's stating the obvious here.]
Yeah. His hostage was already safe, and he chose to do what he did.
I know... that probably doesn't make it feel better, but...
[ he realizes he doesn't actually know how to end this other than just reiterating that he's sure he's correct, which probably wouldn't be especially helpful at the moment... so he just trails off and shrugs. ]
[Rin goes quiet for a moment there. He knows what he wants to say, but is it his place to say it? It's Hua Cheng's business, not his, and he's not sure how well Sebastian would take it when the end result is his friend's death. But a part of him wants people to understand Hua Cheng in the way Rin has come to understand him, because he feels like understanding is the first step towards making things better.
Ultimately he closes his eyes and tips his head back against the headstone, and then he pats the ground next to him.]
If you don't mind hearing a story, then c'mere.
[If Sebastian wants to walk away and not hear it then Rin won't chase him. But if Sebastian wants to listen, then he'll talk.]
[WHOOPS I didn't think of how awkward that is, but we'll say Rin didn't either because he's emotionally compromised.
Either way, when Sebastian comes over, Rin will start talking.]
Once upon a time there was a little boy who was 'born unfortunate'. He had a horrible temper and couldn't handle it when people were mean to him or his brother, so he lashed out all the time. Because of that, he made a lot of enemies from a young age. The boy's father and brother loved him, of course, but not many other people did. Most people called him a 'demon' and stayed far away from him. And the few people who did approach him always did it to provoke him into angry outbursts just to get him in trouble. So without friends, the boy grew up feeling excluded and lonely. No matter how much he tried to make friends with people, as soon as people saw that horrible temper of his they stopped talking to him.
But then the boy- now a teenager- got taken away to a strange world where everyone had animal companions and the god of that world forced everyone into a terrible game. And that's where he met someone who was also 'born unfortunate', just like he was. But this guy, he hadn't made the same choices that the boy had. This man wasn't trying to make friends anymore. Instead, he accepted everyone's dislike of him. If everyone was going to treat him like a bad guy, then he was gonna take that role on himself. He played it up and kept his heart shut away from everyone there, because that's what he expected everyone to do anyway. He'd been hurt so many times before that he'd learned not to let it bother him anymore.
But the boy didn't see the man as a villain. He saw the man's actions and realized it right away: the man was just as lonely as he was. And it made the boy's heart ache, because he didn't want anyone to be as lonely as he had been. And there were others in the game who agreed with the boy too! Others who saw the man's actions for what they were, and were quick to say "we're going to be your friends." The man pretended to dislike it, he even said 'gross' once to it. [That actually gets Rin to smile a little. Ah, memories.] But the boy was sure the man was secretly happy to have friends, just like the boy was happy to make friends there too. It saved the man's life in the end too: the Watchers had to sacrifice their lives to kill the god who ran the game, and the only thing that brought them all back was the thoughts and efforts of the players. They saved him, even when they didn't have to, and he never forgot that kindness.
By the time the game ended, the man had accepted the people involved in that game as 'his'. He never used the word 'friend', he was still a butt about the whole thing, but he showed his attachment in other ways. He helped teach the boy how to control his anger and be a more reasonable person- or, er, he tried to, the boy is a bit of an idiot and it's taking time to learn those lessons. But the point is, the man knows better than anyone what kinds of lessons the boy needs to grow into a better adult. The boy isn't going to become a 'villain' like the man did, but he still appreciates that the man is trying to teach him how to handle the whole 'born unfortunate' thing. So anyway!
[That's enough of an aside from the main story. Rin clears his throat a little before he continues.]
When the man ended up in another game- this time as a player instead of a Watcher- he immediately fell back into his own ways. He acted cold to everyone and was rough with his words, but this time it wasn't to protect his own heart. It was to protect the five friends who had gotten dragged into it alongside him. The man was a complete idiot about it and wouldn't listen to the boy when the boy told him everything would be fine if they all worked together. The man was so set in his ways that he just kept doing what he always did, all in the name of keeping attention off of the people he cared about.
[Rin falls silent for a moment, and then he looks down to his hands, which are resting on his knees.]
It's...the boy knows it's not right. He knows the man is kinda messed up in the head, and that he hurt a lot of people in the name of 'protecting others'. But the boy also thinks that's part of the whole 'born unlucky' thing: the man never stood a chance, because he had grown up thinking he never would have people he could rely on. And as much as the boy tried and tried to teach him that things were different, he just...didn't have enough time to get the man to unlearn his terrible habits. He knows his friend was wrong, but that doesn't make him care about his friend any less. Because he sees himself in that man, just as much as that man saw himself in that boy. And it's hard to let go of someone you feel a kinship with.
And... he got hurt because of that, and he doesn't know what to do now.
[ this is... so much more than he thought was going to be, and he's never been very good at listening for too long — to explanations, speeches, stories, anything. he always gets hung up on some point and spends too long thinking about it and then realizes he's missed everything that was said after that.
that's still the case, but he tries his best to follow. and... well, it's not like anything about this story is that subtle, and rin doesn't know enough complicated words for him to get lost on vocabulary questions, so he gets it. ]
...Ah.
[ ...though that doesn't mean he has any idea what to say. ]
That... helps explain some things, I guess. Thanks.
...well, there's one more thing that needs to be said. But it's not Sebastian who needs to say it.]
...I'm sorry. For everything that's happened, and for how people keep hurting you. For how the people I care about keep hurting you. I know that doesn't fix anything, but...it's not right. And I'm sorry it keeps happening.
[That one is hard to apologize for, because Rin still feels like he didn't do anything wrong there. Not telling people that Diluc murdered was, in his mind, objectively the right choice. Everyone's reaction at that trial just proved the point to him.
But Rin can also recognize that Sebastian is still hurting from it, and there is a part where Rin can recognize that he was wrong, so.]
I think...what I should've done was try to get Diluc to tell the truth himself. Before it came out in trial. Once he was free from the shadows, he should've spoken up. He definitely should've told Bucky, and he should've made things right by admitting to everyone what he did. It wasn't my secret to tell, but keeping it a secret was wrong in the first place.
The same goes for all the killers too, though I didn't know all of them.
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2022-07-25 02:52 am (UTC)...Sorry. Without having any solid suspects until it was too late... I think it was the best option we had.
[ truthfully, even if they did have the others figured out, he might have still voted this way. it's not about vengeance or anything, it's just... whoever bears the most personal responsibility for their actions should take that responsibility, he thinks.
...his feelings are a little more complicated after talking to harrow, but he still thinks this is right. he doesn't regret his vote.
he just... feels bad that rin has to feel bad. ]
no subject
Date: 2022-07-25 03:25 am (UTC)He just wishes that he would stop ending up on the losing end of those 'making the best of a bad situation' decisions.]
I guess so. Voting out a known killer only condemns one person to death, yeah?
[Rin actually does not believe that is the correct choice. But he knows a lot of people do believe it, so he's stating the obvious here.]
no subject
Date: 2022-07-25 03:40 am (UTC)Yeah. His hostage was already safe, and he chose to do what he did.
I know... that probably doesn't make it feel better, but...
[ he realizes he doesn't actually know how to end this other than just reiterating that he's sure he's correct, which probably wouldn't be especially helpful at the moment... so he just trails off and shrugs. ]
no subject
Date: 2022-07-25 03:51 am (UTC)[Rin goes quiet for a moment there. He knows what he wants to say, but is it his place to say it? It's Hua Cheng's business, not his, and he's not sure how well Sebastian would take it when the end result is his friend's death. But a part of him wants people to understand Hua Cheng in the way Rin has come to understand him, because he feels like understanding is the first step towards making things better.
Ultimately he closes his eyes and tips his head back against the headstone, and then he pats the ground next to him.]
If you don't mind hearing a story, then c'mere.
[If Sebastian wants to walk away and not hear it then Rin won't chase him. But if Sebastian wants to listen, then he'll talk.]
no subject
Date: 2022-07-25 05:02 am (UTC)he blinks, but nods and comes over to join him. ]
Y-yeah, okay.
no subject
Date: 2022-07-25 01:27 pm (UTC)Either way, when Sebastian comes over, Rin will start talking.]
Once upon a time there was a little boy who was 'born unfortunate'. He had a horrible temper and couldn't handle it when people were mean to him or his brother, so he lashed out all the time. Because of that, he made a lot of enemies from a young age. The boy's father and brother loved him, of course, but not many other people did. Most people called him a 'demon' and stayed far away from him. And the few people who did approach him always did it to provoke him into angry outbursts just to get him in trouble. So without friends, the boy grew up feeling excluded and lonely. No matter how much he tried to make friends with people, as soon as people saw that horrible temper of his they stopped talking to him.
But then the boy- now a teenager- got taken away to a strange world where everyone had animal companions and the god of that world forced everyone into a terrible game. And that's where he met someone who was also 'born unfortunate', just like he was. But this guy, he hadn't made the same choices that the boy had. This man wasn't trying to make friends anymore. Instead, he accepted everyone's dislike of him. If everyone was going to treat him like a bad guy, then he was gonna take that role on himself. He played it up and kept his heart shut away from everyone there, because that's what he expected everyone to do anyway. He'd been hurt so many times before that he'd learned not to let it bother him anymore.
But the boy didn't see the man as a villain. He saw the man's actions and realized it right away: the man was just as lonely as he was. And it made the boy's heart ache, because he didn't want anyone to be as lonely as he had been. And there were others in the game who agreed with the boy too! Others who saw the man's actions for what they were, and were quick to say "we're going to be your friends." The man pretended to dislike it, he even said 'gross' once to it. [That actually gets Rin to smile a little. Ah, memories.] But the boy was sure the man was secretly happy to have friends, just like the boy was happy to make friends there too. It saved the man's life in the end too: the Watchers had to sacrifice their lives to kill the god who ran the game, and the only thing that brought them all back was the thoughts and efforts of the players. They saved him, even when they didn't have to, and he never forgot that kindness.
By the time the game ended, the man had accepted the people involved in that game as 'his'. He never used the word 'friend', he was still a butt about the whole thing, but he showed his attachment in other ways. He helped teach the boy how to control his anger and be a more reasonable person- or, er, he tried to, the boy is a bit of an idiot and it's taking time to learn those lessons. But the point is, the man knows better than anyone what kinds of lessons the boy needs to grow into a better adult. The boy isn't going to become a 'villain' like the man did, but he still appreciates that the man is trying to teach him how to handle the whole 'born unfortunate' thing. So anyway!
[That's enough of an aside from the main story. Rin clears his throat a little before he continues.]
When the man ended up in another game- this time as a player instead of a Watcher- he immediately fell back into his own ways. He acted cold to everyone and was rough with his words, but this time it wasn't to protect his own heart. It was to protect the five friends who had gotten dragged into it alongside him. The man was a complete idiot about it and wouldn't listen to the boy when the boy told him everything would be fine if they all worked together. The man was so set in his ways that he just kept doing what he always did, all in the name of keeping attention off of the people he cared about.
[Rin falls silent for a moment, and then he looks down to his hands, which are resting on his knees.]
It's...the boy knows it's not right. He knows the man is kinda messed up in the head, and that he hurt a lot of people in the name of 'protecting others'. But the boy also thinks that's part of the whole 'born unlucky' thing: the man never stood a chance, because he had grown up thinking he never would have people he could rely on. And as much as the boy tried and tried to teach him that things were different, he just...didn't have enough time to get the man to unlearn his terrible habits. He knows his friend was wrong, but that doesn't make him care about his friend any less. Because he sees himself in that man, just as much as that man saw himself in that boy. And it's hard to let go of someone you feel a kinship with.
And... he got hurt because of that, and he doesn't know what to do now.
no subject
Date: 2022-07-25 07:24 pm (UTC)that's still the case, but he tries his best to follow. and... well, it's not like anything about this story is that subtle, and rin doesn't know enough complicated words for him to get lost on vocabulary questions, so he gets it. ]
...Ah.
[ ...though that doesn't mean he has any idea what to say. ]
That... helps explain some things, I guess. Thanks.
no subject
Date: 2022-07-27 02:26 am (UTC)[It's okay, nothing really needs to be said.
...well, there's one more thing that needs to be said. But it's not Sebastian who needs to say it.]
...I'm sorry. For everything that's happened, and for how people keep hurting you. For how the people I care about keep hurting you. I know that doesn't fix anything, but...it's not right. And I'm sorry it keeps happening.
no subject
Date: 2022-07-29 12:41 am (UTC)The only one I really wanted from you was for... you know, not telling me the truth about what Diluc did...
[ it's certainly not the only thing he was upset about, but it's one of the few things he thinks rin actually had any control over. ]
no subject
Date: 2022-07-29 01:10 am (UTC)[That one is hard to apologize for, because Rin still feels like he didn't do anything wrong there. Not telling people that Diluc murdered was, in his mind, objectively the right choice. Everyone's reaction at that trial just proved the point to him.
But Rin can also recognize that Sebastian is still hurting from it, and there is a part where Rin can recognize that he was wrong, so.]
I think...what I should've done was try to get Diluc to tell the truth himself. Before it came out in trial. Once he was free from the shadows, he should've spoken up. He definitely should've told Bucky, and he should've made things right by admitting to everyone what he did. It wasn't my secret to tell, but keeping it a secret was wrong in the first place.
The same goes for all the killers too, though I didn't know all of them.
no subject
Date: 2022-07-29 01:17 am (UTC)...Yeah. I think so too.
no subject
Date: 2022-07-29 01:30 am (UTC)[Very slight salt here. He really is surrounded by stinky adults.]