Chasma: Xie Lian

[aono]

Comments

[yueshen]

[ xie lian glances at him, thoughtful, shaken out of whatever thought process he was just on. ]

...I think I recall such a thing. [ he does not spend much time looking for assvidence so no he could not tell you what it looked like, but a glimmer of gold is not hard to miss. ] Why do you ask?

[aono]

Back when my powers first woke up and Shura took me on as a student, she put that ring on me. When someone says the activation words, it causes pain and forces me to stop whatever I'm doing. And because of it's magic, I can't remove it. Only the person who put it on me can.

[Despite how awful that sounds, he smiles.]

I've always had trouble controlling my power. I lost control of myself and became a monster way too many times, back at the beginning. I kept thinking 'it's okay, I'm using my power to help people, so it's fine.' But it wasn't fine, because I would lose control and then start hurting innocent people too. So this was the church's solution, to keep me in check and to protect the people around me.

[Even if he hadn't lost control like that in ages, not before the incident here with Tsuru. If someone had known the words to activate the ring, then maybe...

...no, Rin can't think like that. 'What ifs' are pointless, there's no changing the past. He has to own up to what he did and carry on.]

It might not be exactly the same for you, but that's kinda what whatever's under the bandages are for, yeah? "You fucked up, we're putting this on you so you don't fuck up again" or something like that.

[yueshen]

[ he listens to this whole story, about loss of control, about finding a solution.

...it's a little different, but the meaning is still the same. the gesture of sharing is appreciated, and xie lian turns his head to look at him, expression soft and quietly fond, brows knit together. ]

... I see what you mean.

[ he's quiet, for a longer moment after that.

...

and then, eventually, reaches up to unwind the bandages. it's the only gesture he can do to match the kindness rin has given by sharing this with him.

the black shackle itself looks almost burnt into his skin; unlike rin's, it is not a physical object, but rather, a marking. a sign. ]

...I have not been entirely truthful with you, Rin. When I defied the Heavenly Emperor, by all technicality, I was punished by being banished from the Heavens - I lost my position as a martial god. This shackle seals off half of my spiritual energy.

[ not all of it; it is too strong to be taken down by only one. xie lian has always been exceptional. ]

It is only temporary; the Heavenly Emperor expects that I will be able to reascend. I have kept many of my powers, and believers still sustain my body as immortal.

...So less than a prevention, and... [ xie lian stops, for a moment, and then, turns his face away. his dark hair curtains over his shoulders as he does, hiding the mark once more. ] ...More so, a mark of shame.

[aono]

[Rin listens, and he does so with an attentiveness he doesn't usually show. Xie Lian is important to him, after all. He deserves all the care and consideration Rin can give.

But as he listens, he starts to frown. How utterly unfair, for Xie Lian to lose so much for an ultimately good act. There is a lot of the story he is probably missing, he knows that, but his heart aches for Xie Lian. Especially when he hears that last bit.]

What absolute bullshit.

[He's mad at the Heavely Emporer, not Xie Lian. But his words are no less passionate.]

Shame? You're supposed to feel shame about that mark? Fuck that! There is nothing to be ashamed of here! You saw people suffering and said "no more, I have to do something".

You defied the gods and stood up for the unfortunate when nobody else would. That mark isn't one of shame, it's one of pride. It's proof that you're worthy of being a God, because anyone who wouldn't help those in need sure as hell isn't godlike.

Week 6, Saturday (pre-trial)

[aono]

[Rin is going to go looking for Xie Lian. He's got a letter in his hands.]

Hey, so, the person who wrote to me told me to show this to you.

[yueshen]

[ O:!!!!

here he is!!! san lang is currently on his shoulder, ferret formed. he leans over to look and so does san lang. ]

Oh...?

[aono]

Yeah, she put that in first so it's definitely important.

[He'll hand it over!]

Share with XL + HS

No useful information to add, just my regards
Won't be too long now
Keep trying
Remember that people are listening to your words when you speak, both those without voices on that side and we over here. Be thoughtful, be kind
The truth matters but the punishment doesn't
Work together

SM

[yueshen]

[ weh. susato!!!! xie lian looks very soft as he reads it, immediately, brushing his thumb over the paper. ]

...I see. [ weh. ] Thank you, Rin. She is as wise as always.

[aono]

Yeah, she is.

[Rin looks down to the letter again, his brow heavy with worry.]

For weeks I've been passing everything I learn to her. We work pretty well as a team, you know? People talk to me about stuff, and she's good at putting the pieces together and figuring things out.

But she's not here now, and I feel kinda lost.

[yueshen]

[ mmm... ]

She is incredible at such a thing, isn't she? [ it makes him fond, truly - two of his favorite people in the world. ] We often discussed the greater matters of this place together, and she taught me much in theorizing and trials, alike.

... I feel the same. [ a little quieter - but she's not here now, and i feel kinda lost. he gets that. the loss of susato still hurts, and badly. ] But... if there is a way I can help, then I'm happy to do so.

[aono]

...

[Is there a way Xie Lian can help? Maybe. But it all goes back to a controversial question Rin has been struggling with since yesterday.]

If someone kills a person who is important to you, do you have the right to kill them in turn?

[It's related to what Xie Lian is asking, honest.]

[yueshen]

[ i see.

... ]

No. [ point blank. ] I don't think you do.

[ the questions are rhetorical, but this is something he feels pretty strongly about. ] Does killing that other person bring your person back? Does it solve anything, to cause more violence?

[aono]

It doesn't, no. And that's what I've been thinking too. But if things go bad today, then do we have a right to intervene?

[He's not thinking of himself midtrialing here. He's definitely thinking of a specific someone else.]

[yueshen]

[ ... ]

Yes.

[ because yeah. he knows exactly what rin is saying. ]

I was asked to look after Mr. Joonghyuk by Mr. Dokja this week in case he disappeared on another adventure. That was not the case [ can you believe how hard i was deathflagged ] - but I intend to fulfill my promise.

I will keep him from acting rashly no matter what. I won't allow any more blood to be shed than already was, or what will be Sunday. No more.

w6, post trial

[yueshen]

[ xie lian is here in the park, laying down with his upper half propped up on a familiar looking tiger, staring up at the sky with his hands folded on his chest.

the tiger lifts its head, looks at rin, and pays attention to him immediately, watching. there's a ball of white fur between his paws - san lang pokes his head up to look, too. ]

... Hello, Rin.

[aono]

[Oh, that's a familiar tiger. And while Rin himself won't try to touch it, Rinkou immediately waddles over to start licking the tiger's forehead.]

Hey. I didn't know you and Straw-Barry were that close.

[yueshen]

[ the tiger allows this. cute? san lang reaches over to bap gently at rinkou and also lick with his tiny little ferret tongue. ineffective.

the sight is very cute, though. xie lian smiles a little, and then glances at rin... straw-barry... god i forgot about that. ]

... We are from the same realm, you know.

[aono]

Yukio and I are brothers and Miki still didn't let me touch her.

[Just. A sad smile, at that admittance.

He'll sit down near Xie Lian though.]

They think it's all going to end soon, so we'll be seeing them again before we know it, huh?

[yueshen]

[ miki please. xie lian looks a little sad at that, honestly, but he doesn't say anything. ]

Mmm. Thankfully so.

[ ... ] I'm excited, to see them all again.

[aono]

Me too. There's a lot of people I have stuff to say to.

[He is. Definitely looking forward to seeing Yukio the most. But the others matter too.]

I just don't wanna fail them. Or the Watchers. I keep saying that we'll do it and we'll see them again, but...well, you saw at trial. I'm a fuck-up. Even if I know you'll all keep me from messing up too much, I still can't help but think I'm gonna ruin it for everyone.

[yueshen]

[ now hold on a minute. ]

...I did see you at trial. I saw that you worked hard the entire time, and that you were able to keep those stronger, more dangerous emotions at bay.

[ as ever, he's honest as he says this, not quite chiding but definitely serious. ] You are important, trusthworthy, and compassionate, Rin. I won't allow you to speak about yourself that way.

[aono]

[He really should have expected this. Xie Lian is so good at finding the best in people.

Rin is quiet for a while, mulling over Xie Lian's words. This is a hurt that's been lingering for weeks, and he's not even sure how to put words to it. But eventually he starts to speak, a little unsure of himself.]

Remember that first time I disappeared? With Alisaie, Akira, and lawyer-guy?

[yueshen]

[ hmmm ]

Of course I do, yes. What about it?

cw: brief mention of suicide

[aono]

While I was there, in the kiln, I kept hearing whispers. Sometimes familiar voices, sometimes not. But they kept talking about how much of a failure I am, of how I'm useless and I can't save anyone. That a monster like me never could save anyone in the first place.

And I tried to ignore it! It was obviously just something trying to get at me, yeah? But week after week shit just keeps happening, and every time I try to do something to help it always goes wrong. I tried to get my sword fixed, and I killed a guy instead. I tried to take responsibility for that, and my own brother killed himself to save me. I tried real hard to follow the clues and find the killers, and I spent weeks talking to a killer without realizing it. I melted the ground at that ice hotel. I fucked up getting clues. I fucked up using the spray paint today.

I'm just...no good at any of this, you know? I can try to be kind and compassionate and stuff, but what good is that when people keep dying and I can't do anything to solve their murders, much less stop them? Kindness doesn't matter much if you keep breaking everything. And every time something goes wrong, I keep thinking back to those voices and going "maybe they were right after all." Because one fuckup is like, okay, everyone makes mistakes sometimes. But it keeps happening. And if I keep seeing fuckups, then...it's me, isn't it?

[This boy's self-confidence is through the floor whoops. CYOA effects + low self-worth = disaster.]

[aono]

[NINE HOURS LATER...but Rin is nodding.]

Yeah, okay. We can intervene if it gets bad.

[It feels easier to say when someone agrees with him.]