Me too. There's a lot of people I have stuff to say to.
[He is. Definitely looking forward to seeing Yukio the most. But the others matter too.]
I just don't wanna fail them. Or the Watchers. I keep saying that we'll do it and we'll see them again, but...well, you saw at trial. I'm a fuck-up. Even if I know you'll all keep me from messing up too much, I still can't help but think I'm gonna ruin it for everyone.
...I did see you at trial. I saw that you worked hard the entire time, and that you were able to keep those stronger, more dangerous emotions at bay.
[ as ever, he's honest as he says this, not quite chiding but definitely serious. ] You are important, trusthworthy, and compassionate, Rin. I won't allow you to speak about yourself that way.
[He really should have expected this. Xie Lian is so good at finding the best in people.
Rin is quiet for a while, mulling over Xie Lian's words. This is a hurt that's been lingering for weeks, and he's not even sure how to put words to it. But eventually he starts to speak, a little unsure of himself.]
Remember that first time I disappeared? With Alisaie, Akira, and lawyer-guy?
While I was there, in the kiln, I kept hearing whispers. Sometimes familiar voices, sometimes not. But they kept talking about how much of a failure I am, of how I'm useless and I can't save anyone. That a monster like me never could save anyone in the first place.
And I tried to ignore it! It was obviously just something trying to get at me, yeah? But week after week shit just keeps happening, and every time I try to do something to help it always goes wrong. I tried to get my sword fixed, and I killed a guy instead. I tried to take responsibility for that, and my own brother killed himself to save me. I tried real hard to follow the clues and find the killers, and I spent weeks talking to a killer without realizing it. I melted the ground at that ice hotel. I fucked up getting clues. I fucked up using the spray paint today.
I'm just...no good at any of this, you know? I can try to be kind and compassionate and stuff, but what good is that when people keep dying and I can't do anything to solve their murders, much less stop them? Kindness doesn't matter much if you keep breaking everything. And every time something goes wrong, I keep thinking back to those voices and going "maybe they were right after all." Because one fuckup is like, okay, everyone makes mistakes sometimes. But it keeps happening. And if I keep seeing fuckups, then...it's me, isn't it?
[This boy's self-confidence is through the floor whoops. CYOA effects + low self-worth = disaster.]
kindness doesn't matter much if you keep breaking everything just hits xie lian like a punch in the gut, because he has been exactly where rin is, right now.
the idea of whispering voices calling him a failure, in a place that was xie lian's home, reeks of the white no face, and the thought of it affecting rin in the way it had affected him makes him burn, too. xie lian takes a deep breath. ]
...It does matter. [ is the first place to start. ] Rin, it matters. If you can help one person - even one person, it matters. That is the lesson that I have had to learn, and I am still trying to learn even now.
You melted the ground at the ice hotel, and you fixed it. You spoke to a killer, and brought her words of great comfort and support when she felt like she was alone, in a way no one else could. You - barely a week ago, I spoke with you about something that I have spoken of to no one, and you gave me words that - there are no words to describe how much it meant to me.
Whether you make mistakes or not doesn't matter. What matters is how you move from them. If you stay stagnant and let voices like that drag you down, then you will lose sight of yourself - when the you that you are is someone wonderful. I would sooner know you than a thousand successful generals, or a thousand people who solve crimes. I've been honored, to know you.
[Xie Lian isn't wrong, those are things Rin has done to help others. Rin is just someone who judges himself more harshly than others. While he judges others by their intentions, he judges himself by his actions. It's the opposite of how most people do things, actually.
And it's hard, to hear such praise when you feel like you don't deserve it. But it's coming from Xie Lian, someone he trusts implicitly, so he can't just deny it. Even if the voices calling for his failure are loud, he tries to drown them out, to truly hear what Xie Lian is saying.
Because Xie Lian isn't the god of the central plains. He's a man with a good heart who saves unlucky children and defends those who can't defend themselves, and if he's saying something then he means it.]
It's hard, you know? I still see him when I close my eyes. I still smell the ash and embers and blood, and I still hear his final words. Even on the nights when Allen's right there, sometimes I still have those same nightmares. Sometimes...
[Sometimes you're still just a 16-year-old boy who's struggling to cope with the fact that he killed someone, demonic possession notwithstanding.]
I just...I'm trying, I really am. And I know there's people counting on me to be the strong one here. But it's hard, okay? I just close my eyes and I can see him laying there, smiling like he was happy to see me, even while he was dying.
['it wasn't my intention to surprise you in this way...'
...I know it is. [ the ash, the embers, the blood. the words bring up memories for xie lian too, and those four words are filled with empathy, an aching, soft thing. as it happens, san lang wriggles free of his spot underneath the tiger daemon and gets up, scurrying over to rin; he then shifts, transforming from ferret to qilin.
he bows his head, in front of rin, lowering it close, as if offering - or perhaps asking - for the touch. the comfort of trust, the comfort of warmth, of wanting to offer something to someone else from your very soul.
xie lian watches it happen, keeping his hands curled gently in his lap. ]
... I think you will always have those nightmares. [ is the first thing he says, softly, from experience. ] Those injuries do not go away as easily as we want them to, and there are no words - even "he did it because he loved you" - that will make that wound heal.
But... that you're trying matters - and that you keep moving matters, too. And... if others expect you to be strong [ as they once expected of xie lian, the prince holding the world on his golden shoulders, until he couldn't ] - then, if you ever need a place to hurt, you can always come find me.
[Rin's first instinct is to say 'until you die too', but he doesn't say that. It will remain a troubling thought in his mind for now.
Instead, he glances down to San Lang in ferret form. He's hesitant to reach out, but San Lang's behavior is very easy to understand. Rowan had done something similar, not too long again. So Rin glances between Xie Lian and San Lang a couple times, making sure it's honestly alright. Then he reaches out a shaky hand to gently touch San Lang on top of his head.
A moment later, assuming Xie Lian doesn't double over in pain or something, Rin finds himself biting down on his lip to keep from making any sounds. All he can do in that moment is sniffle and give Xie Lian a nod.
Time won't heal these wounds, but he doesn't have to carry them alone. Weight shared with a friend is weight easier to carry. And he can't ask Xie Lian to share his burdens if he's not sharing his own in kind, right?]
[ i've got some great news for you about immortality rin
san lang shifts from qilin to ferret almost at rin's unvoiced request, and when he reaches out to touch the daemon - there's no revulsion, no pain, no ache or hurt. it's just... it's just warm.
the warmth of care, of friendship, of trust. it comes from xie lian like a sunbeam, and perhaps unsurprisingly, his soul is just as gentle and warm. san lang nuzzles into rin's hand, greeting him warmly, and even lifting his tiny ferret paws up to hold his hand. ]
I'm glad that we've met, Rin. [ and when xie lian smiles at him, it's genuine. ] I truly am.
[Just warm. Like how Rin's fire is just warm, when he controls it properly.
Rin finds himself smiling despite how wet his face is starting to feel. This warmth, this welcoming, it feels like home and it's a feeling Rin has been missing sorely ever since his father died.
He's gentle with San Lang, careful to pet him on the head and let the ferret hold onto his hand.]
Yeah. I'm glad I met you too.
[It's easy to forget what Rin has been through in the last year, what with how much he smiles and acts like he's okay, but sometimes he can't help but show he's only 16 and has been through so much already. Those are the moments when the comfort is appreciated most.]
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2021-11-14 03:10 am (UTC)Mmm. Thankfully so.
[ ... ] I'm excited, to see them all again.
no subject
Date: 2021-11-14 03:13 am (UTC)[He is. Definitely looking forward to seeing Yukio the most. But the others matter too.]
I just don't wanna fail them. Or the Watchers. I keep saying that we'll do it and we'll see them again, but...well, you saw at trial. I'm a fuck-up. Even if I know you'll all keep me from messing up too much, I still can't help but think I'm gonna ruin it for everyone.
no subject
Date: 2021-11-14 03:18 am (UTC)...I did see you at trial. I saw that you worked hard the entire time, and that you were able to keep those stronger, more dangerous emotions at bay.
[ as ever, he's honest as he says this, not quite chiding but definitely serious. ] You are important, trusthworthy, and compassionate, Rin. I won't allow you to speak about yourself that way.
no subject
Date: 2021-11-14 03:21 am (UTC)Rin is quiet for a while, mulling over Xie Lian's words. This is a hurt that's been lingering for weeks, and he's not even sure how to put words to it. But eventually he starts to speak, a little unsure of himself.]
Remember that first time I disappeared? With Alisaie, Akira, and lawyer-guy?
no subject
Date: 2021-11-14 03:21 am (UTC)Of course I do, yes. What about it?
cw: brief mention of suicide
Date: 2021-11-14 03:29 am (UTC)And I tried to ignore it! It was obviously just something trying to get at me, yeah? But week after week shit just keeps happening, and every time I try to do something to help it always goes wrong. I tried to get my sword fixed, and I killed a guy instead. I tried to take responsibility for that, and my own brother killed himself to save me. I tried real hard to follow the clues and find the killers, and I spent weeks talking to a killer without realizing it. I melted the ground at that ice hotel. I fucked up getting clues. I fucked up using the spray paint today.
I'm just...no good at any of this, you know? I can try to be kind and compassionate and stuff, but what good is that when people keep dying and I can't do anything to solve their murders, much less stop them? Kindness doesn't matter much if you keep breaking everything. And every time something goes wrong, I keep thinking back to those voices and going "maybe they were right after all." Because one fuckup is like, okay, everyone makes mistakes sometimes. But it keeps happening. And if I keep seeing fuckups, then...it's me, isn't it?
[This boy's self-confidence is through the floor whoops. CYOA effects + low self-worth = disaster.]
no subject
Date: 2021-11-14 03:57 am (UTC)kindness doesn't matter much if you keep breaking everything just hits xie lian like a punch in the gut, because he has been exactly where rin is, right now.
the idea of whispering voices calling him a failure, in a place that was xie lian's home, reeks of the white no face, and the thought of it affecting rin in the way it had affected him makes him burn, too. xie lian takes a deep breath. ]
...It does matter. [ is the first place to start. ] Rin, it matters. If you can help one person - even one person, it matters. That is the lesson that I have had to learn, and I am still trying to learn even now.
You melted the ground at the ice hotel, and you fixed it. You spoke to a killer, and brought her words of great comfort and support when she felt like she was alone, in a way no one else could. You - barely a week ago, I spoke with you about something that I have spoken of to no one, and you gave me words that - there are no words to describe how much it meant to me.
Whether you make mistakes or not doesn't matter. What matters is how you move from them. If you stay stagnant and let voices like that drag you down, then you will lose sight of yourself - when the you that you are is someone wonderful. I would sooner know you than a thousand successful generals, or a thousand people who solve crimes. I've been honored, to know you.
no subject
Date: 2021-11-14 04:25 am (UTC)And it's hard, to hear such praise when you feel like you don't deserve it. But it's coming from Xie Lian, someone he trusts implicitly, so he can't just deny it. Even if the voices calling for his failure are loud, he tries to drown them out, to truly hear what Xie Lian is saying.
Because Xie Lian isn't the god of the central plains. He's a man with a good heart who saves unlucky children and defends those who can't defend themselves, and if he's saying something then he means it.]
It's hard, you know? I still see him when I close my eyes. I still smell the ash and embers and blood, and I still hear his final words. Even on the nights when Allen's right there, sometimes I still have those same nightmares. Sometimes...
[Sometimes you're still just a 16-year-old boy who's struggling to cope with the fact that he killed someone, demonic possession notwithstanding.]
I just...I'm trying, I really am. And I know there's people counting on me to be the strong one here. But it's hard, okay? I just close my eyes and I can see him laying there, smiling like he was happy to see me, even while he was dying.
['it wasn't my intention to surprise you in this way...'
Those words still ring in his ears, even now.]
no subject
Date: 2021-11-14 04:44 pm (UTC)...I know it is. [ the ash, the embers, the blood. the words bring up memories for xie lian too, and those four words are filled with empathy, an aching, soft thing. as it happens, san lang wriggles free of his spot underneath the tiger daemon and gets up, scurrying over to rin; he then shifts, transforming from ferret to qilin.
he bows his head, in front of rin, lowering it close, as if offering - or perhaps asking - for the touch. the comfort of trust, the comfort of warmth, of wanting to offer something to someone else from your very soul.
xie lian watches it happen, keeping his hands curled gently in his lap. ]
... I think you will always have those nightmares. [ is the first thing he says, softly, from experience. ] Those injuries do not go away as easily as we want them to, and there are no words - even "he did it because he loved you" - that will make that wound heal.
But... that you're trying matters - and that you keep moving matters, too. And... if others expect you to be strong [ as they once expected of xie lian, the prince holding the world on his golden shoulders, until he couldn't ] - then, if you ever need a place to hurt, you can always come find me.
no subject
Date: 2021-11-14 08:11 pm (UTC)Instead, he glances down to San Lang in ferret form. He's hesitant to reach out, but San Lang's behavior is very easy to understand. Rowan had done something similar, not too long again. So Rin glances between Xie Lian and San Lang a couple times, making sure it's honestly alright. Then he reaches out a shaky hand to gently touch San Lang on top of his head.
A moment later, assuming Xie Lian doesn't double over in pain or something, Rin finds himself biting down on his lip to keep from making any sounds. All he can do in that moment is sniffle and give Xie Lian a nod.
Time won't heal these wounds, but he doesn't have to carry them alone. Weight shared with a friend is weight easier to carry. And he can't ask Xie Lian to share his burdens if he's not sharing his own in kind, right?]
no subject
Date: 2021-11-15 12:04 pm (UTC)san lang shifts from qilin to ferret almost at rin's unvoiced request, and when he reaches out to touch the daemon - there's no revulsion, no pain, no ache or hurt. it's just... it's just warm.
the warmth of care, of friendship, of trust. it comes from xie lian like a sunbeam, and perhaps unsurprisingly, his soul is just as gentle and warm. san lang nuzzles into rin's hand, greeting him warmly, and even lifting his tiny ferret paws up to hold his hand. ]
I'm glad that we've met, Rin. [ and when xie lian smiles at him, it's genuine. ] I truly am.
no subject
Date: 2021-11-15 12:57 pm (UTC)Rin finds himself smiling despite how wet his face is starting to feel. This warmth, this welcoming, it feels like home and it's a feeling Rin has been missing sorely ever since his father died.
He's gentle with San Lang, careful to pet him on the head and let the ferret hold onto his hand.]
Yeah. I'm glad I met you too.
[It's easy to forget what Rin has been through in the last year, what with how much he smiles and acts like he's okay, but sometimes he can't help but show he's only 16 and has been through so much already. Those are the moments when the comfort is appreciated most.]