[Xie Lian isn't wrong, those are things Rin has done to help others. Rin is just someone who judges himself more harshly than others. While he judges others by their intentions, he judges himself by his actions. It's the opposite of how most people do things, actually.
And it's hard, to hear such praise when you feel like you don't deserve it. But it's coming from Xie Lian, someone he trusts implicitly, so he can't just deny it. Even if the voices calling for his failure are loud, he tries to drown them out, to truly hear what Xie Lian is saying.
Because Xie Lian isn't the god of the central plains. He's a man with a good heart who saves unlucky children and defends those who can't defend themselves, and if he's saying something then he means it.]
It's hard, you know? I still see him when I close my eyes. I still smell the ash and embers and blood, and I still hear his final words. Even on the nights when Allen's right there, sometimes I still have those same nightmares. Sometimes...
[Sometimes you're still just a 16-year-old boy who's struggling to cope with the fact that he killed someone, demonic possession notwithstanding.]
I just...I'm trying, I really am. And I know there's people counting on me to be the strong one here. But it's hard, okay? I just close my eyes and I can see him laying there, smiling like he was happy to see me, even while he was dying.
['it wasn't my intention to surprise you in this way...'
...I know it is. [ the ash, the embers, the blood. the words bring up memories for xie lian too, and those four words are filled with empathy, an aching, soft thing. as it happens, san lang wriggles free of his spot underneath the tiger daemon and gets up, scurrying over to rin; he then shifts, transforming from ferret to qilin.
he bows his head, in front of rin, lowering it close, as if offering - or perhaps asking - for the touch. the comfort of trust, the comfort of warmth, of wanting to offer something to someone else from your very soul.
xie lian watches it happen, keeping his hands curled gently in his lap. ]
... I think you will always have those nightmares. [ is the first thing he says, softly, from experience. ] Those injuries do not go away as easily as we want them to, and there are no words - even "he did it because he loved you" - that will make that wound heal.
But... that you're trying matters - and that you keep moving matters, too. And... if others expect you to be strong [ as they once expected of xie lian, the prince holding the world on his golden shoulders, until he couldn't ] - then, if you ever need a place to hurt, you can always come find me.
[Rin's first instinct is to say 'until you die too', but he doesn't say that. It will remain a troubling thought in his mind for now.
Instead, he glances down to San Lang in ferret form. He's hesitant to reach out, but San Lang's behavior is very easy to understand. Rowan had done something similar, not too long again. So Rin glances between Xie Lian and San Lang a couple times, making sure it's honestly alright. Then he reaches out a shaky hand to gently touch San Lang on top of his head.
A moment later, assuming Xie Lian doesn't double over in pain or something, Rin finds himself biting down on his lip to keep from making any sounds. All he can do in that moment is sniffle and give Xie Lian a nod.
Time won't heal these wounds, but he doesn't have to carry them alone. Weight shared with a friend is weight easier to carry. And he can't ask Xie Lian to share his burdens if he's not sharing his own in kind, right?]
[ i've got some great news for you about immortality rin
san lang shifts from qilin to ferret almost at rin's unvoiced request, and when he reaches out to touch the daemon - there's no revulsion, no pain, no ache or hurt. it's just... it's just warm.
the warmth of care, of friendship, of trust. it comes from xie lian like a sunbeam, and perhaps unsurprisingly, his soul is just as gentle and warm. san lang nuzzles into rin's hand, greeting him warmly, and even lifting his tiny ferret paws up to hold his hand. ]
I'm glad that we've met, Rin. [ and when xie lian smiles at him, it's genuine. ] I truly am.
[Just warm. Like how Rin's fire is just warm, when he controls it properly.
Rin finds himself smiling despite how wet his face is starting to feel. This warmth, this welcoming, it feels like home and it's a feeling Rin has been missing sorely ever since his father died.
He's gentle with San Lang, careful to pet him on the head and let the ferret hold onto his hand.]
Yeah. I'm glad I met you too.
[It's easy to forget what Rin has been through in the last year, what with how much he smiles and acts like he's okay, but sometimes he can't help but show he's only 16 and has been through so much already. Those are the moments when the comfort is appreciated most.]
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And it's hard, to hear such praise when you feel like you don't deserve it. But it's coming from Xie Lian, someone he trusts implicitly, so he can't just deny it. Even if the voices calling for his failure are loud, he tries to drown them out, to truly hear what Xie Lian is saying.
Because Xie Lian isn't the god of the central plains. He's a man with a good heart who saves unlucky children and defends those who can't defend themselves, and if he's saying something then he means it.]
It's hard, you know? I still see him when I close my eyes. I still smell the ash and embers and blood, and I still hear his final words. Even on the nights when Allen's right there, sometimes I still have those same nightmares. Sometimes...
[Sometimes you're still just a 16-year-old boy who's struggling to cope with the fact that he killed someone, demonic possession notwithstanding.]
I just...I'm trying, I really am. And I know there's people counting on me to be the strong one here. But it's hard, okay? I just close my eyes and I can see him laying there, smiling like he was happy to see me, even while he was dying.
['it wasn't my intention to surprise you in this way...'
Those words still ring in his ears, even now.]
no subject
...I know it is. [ the ash, the embers, the blood. the words bring up memories for xie lian too, and those four words are filled with empathy, an aching, soft thing. as it happens, san lang wriggles free of his spot underneath the tiger daemon and gets up, scurrying over to rin; he then shifts, transforming from ferret to qilin.
he bows his head, in front of rin, lowering it close, as if offering - or perhaps asking - for the touch. the comfort of trust, the comfort of warmth, of wanting to offer something to someone else from your very soul.
xie lian watches it happen, keeping his hands curled gently in his lap. ]
... I think you will always have those nightmares. [ is the first thing he says, softly, from experience. ] Those injuries do not go away as easily as we want them to, and there are no words - even "he did it because he loved you" - that will make that wound heal.
But... that you're trying matters - and that you keep moving matters, too. And... if others expect you to be strong [ as they once expected of xie lian, the prince holding the world on his golden shoulders, until he couldn't ] - then, if you ever need a place to hurt, you can always come find me.
no subject
Instead, he glances down to San Lang in ferret form. He's hesitant to reach out, but San Lang's behavior is very easy to understand. Rowan had done something similar, not too long again. So Rin glances between Xie Lian and San Lang a couple times, making sure it's honestly alright. Then he reaches out a shaky hand to gently touch San Lang on top of his head.
A moment later, assuming Xie Lian doesn't double over in pain or something, Rin finds himself biting down on his lip to keep from making any sounds. All he can do in that moment is sniffle and give Xie Lian a nod.
Time won't heal these wounds, but he doesn't have to carry them alone. Weight shared with a friend is weight easier to carry. And he can't ask Xie Lian to share his burdens if he's not sharing his own in kind, right?]
no subject
san lang shifts from qilin to ferret almost at rin's unvoiced request, and when he reaches out to touch the daemon - there's no revulsion, no pain, no ache or hurt. it's just... it's just warm.
the warmth of care, of friendship, of trust. it comes from xie lian like a sunbeam, and perhaps unsurprisingly, his soul is just as gentle and warm. san lang nuzzles into rin's hand, greeting him warmly, and even lifting his tiny ferret paws up to hold his hand. ]
I'm glad that we've met, Rin. [ and when xie lian smiles at him, it's genuine. ] I truly am.
no subject
Rin finds himself smiling despite how wet his face is starting to feel. This warmth, this welcoming, it feels like home and it's a feeling Rin has been missing sorely ever since his father died.
He's gentle with San Lang, careful to pet him on the head and let the ferret hold onto his hand.]
Yeah. I'm glad I met you too.
[It's easy to forget what Rin has been through in the last year, what with how much he smiles and acts like he's okay, but sometimes he can't help but show he's only 16 and has been through so much already. Those are the moments when the comfort is appreciated most.]