[ he's still not sure whether to laugh or cry about it...
but. xie lian adjusts how he's sitting, folding his arms over his knees as he gazes out at the training field. ]
You know, Rin - I am not that much older than you.
...Up until the past few years, I lived something of a charmed life. It all came down crashing, to say the very least, but... there are many lessons that I still feel like I have to learn. My practices, my mediation - most of the time, it is successful, but some days, I am still left ashore by my emotions. No one is perfect; even the gods in heaven are fallible.
You should not feel disheartened, if that creature speaks ill words to you. We are all still learning to contain what needs to be contained - and even those of us who are supposed to be extraordinary at it are perhaps still just as human.
[It's something almost unfathomable to Rin, who was raised in a church that praised one god as all-knowing and always correct. Even when he grew older and started to think that religion wasn't right, he still never considered that the gods might be fallible. He thought his perceptions of religion were his own troubles, not troubles with the religion.
But seeing Xie Lian here in front of him, admitting to this, it makes it all feel more real.Xie Lian is a god, or so he claims, and he struggles with the same things Rin struggles with. They're all struggling, is it? Well, maybe they can struggle together.]
He can see my heart and he knows all of the things that bother me the most. I hate how I always mess things up, I hate how violent I get sometimes, and I hate how I keep failing to save the people most important to me. Those are the things he keeps picking at, trying to wear me down so he can take control again.
But you struggle with that too, huh? Then...it doesn't feel as lonely. And if you can find ways to keep it quiet, then maybe I can too.
...I have a demon of my own. He is not in my heart, as literally as yours is, but... he does much of the same.
[ speaking the vile name of that creature still spooks xie lian - as if he may suddenly appear. some part of him wonders if he already has, puppeting this place the way he puppeted xie lian's home. ]
...He is called the White No Face. A creature, like the ghosts you saw in the Kiln, wearing a mask - half smiling, half crying. He chose me as a target some time ago, and told me many of the same things, but instead of controlling me, chose to destroy my kingdom and my people for reasons I still do not know.
[ xie lian, xie lian, you're going to lose!
even now, he can recall the sight of his own face behind that white mask with crystal clarity. it sends a chill down his spine - san lang, still qilin formed, makes a soft noise and abruptly shifts, curling closer to xie lian himself, protective. ]
I did not defeat him - escaped him, rather. I have not seen him since Xian Le fell, yet his words still haunt my waking and resting moments, and I often find myself wondering if he has simply decided to complete his toying with me and move on to torment someone else. The thought makes me even angrier - I cannot bear the thought of someone going through what I did.
And though it would be easier to never see him again, I wish that cowardly supreme would show his face to me once more, so I could destroy him for the things he has done.
...so you are right. Our strength in these times comes not from bearing these weights alone, but struggling through them together. [ xie lian turns his head to rin, now, and gives him a small smile. ] We must not falter - but it becomes easier to hold such things when we don't do so alone. I'm happy, to struggle through that with you.
So that's why you asked me if I saw a man in a mask, huh...?
[Things make more sense now. Rin feels glad that Xie Lian feels comfortable enough to share this pain with him. He's not wrong either: struggling together makes heavy weights more tolerable.It's that sentiment that lets Rin speak with a bit more ease, with a bit less weight on his shoulders.]
Then we'll struggle together. If that White No Face shows up, then between the two of us we could kick his ass. And if the demon in my heart gets out and starts causing trouble then I'll trust you to punch him a few times so I can get control back.
Guys like that are scary, but they're not impossible to defeat. No enemy is impossible.
[ rin's rousing speech is so familiar that xie lian can't help but smile at him, even with the thought of the white no face coming. xie lian prays - prays, prays, prays - that such a fate could never befall rin, or any of the people here. no matter how strong he is, he wouldn't wish that fate on anyone.
...still, that fear is quiet, and rests at peace in his heart, for now. xie lian instead lets rin's words move him, and nods his head. ]
Thank you, Rin. I would be more than happy to punch a demon or two for you.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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xie lian looks at them as rin starts his 'prayer', and then back to rin for a long moment. ]
... If it helps - there is darkness in my heart that laughs the same. Little demonic energy is required.
[ instead, that laugh sounds like the white no face. ]
But... I have found physical activity tends to clear the mind. [ and... his gaze shifts to their left, where there is just
a fucking line of destroyed sparring dummies.
oops. ]
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And sees all those dummies.]
Wow, leave some for the rest of us.
[He's teasing, honest.]
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...I got a little carried away....
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[ he's still not sure whether to laugh or cry about it...
but. xie lian adjusts how he's sitting, folding his arms over his knees as he gazes out at the training field. ]
You know, Rin - I am not that much older than you.
...Up until the past few years, I lived something of a charmed life. It all came down crashing, to say the very least, but... there are many lessons that I still feel like I have to learn. My practices, my mediation - most of the time, it is successful, but some days, I am still left ashore by my emotions. No one is perfect; even the gods in heaven are fallible.
You should not feel disheartened, if that creature speaks ill words to you. We are all still learning to contain what needs to be contained - and even those of us who are supposed to be extraordinary at it are perhaps still just as human.
no subject
But seeing Xie Lian here in front of him, admitting to this, it makes it all feel more real.Xie Lian is a god, or so he claims, and he struggles with the same things Rin struggles with. They're all struggling, is it? Well, maybe they can struggle together.]
He can see my heart and he knows all of the things that bother me the most. I hate how I always mess things up, I hate how violent I get sometimes, and I hate how I keep failing to save the people most important to me. Those are the things he keeps picking at, trying to wear me down so he can take control again.
But you struggle with that too, huh? Then...it doesn't feel as lonely. And if you can find ways to keep it quiet, then maybe I can too.
no subject
[ speaking the vile name of that creature still spooks xie lian - as if he may suddenly appear. some part of him wonders if he already has, puppeting this place the way he puppeted xie lian's home. ]
...He is called the White No Face. A creature, like the ghosts you saw in the Kiln, wearing a mask - half smiling, half crying. He chose me as a target some time ago, and told me many of the same things, but instead of controlling me, chose to destroy my kingdom and my people for reasons I still do not know.
[ xie lian, xie lian, you're going to lose!
even now, he can recall the sight of his own face behind that white mask with crystal clarity. it sends a chill down his spine - san lang, still qilin formed, makes a soft noise and abruptly shifts, curling closer to xie lian himself, protective. ]
I did not defeat him - escaped him, rather. I have not seen him since Xian Le fell, yet his words still haunt my waking and resting moments, and I often find myself wondering if he has simply decided to complete his toying with me and move on to torment someone else. The thought makes me even angrier - I cannot bear the thought of someone going through what I did.
And though it would be easier to never see him again, I wish that cowardly supreme would show his face to me once more, so I could destroy him for the things he has done.
...so you are right. Our strength in these times comes not from bearing these weights alone, but struggling through them together. [ xie lian turns his head to rin, now, and gives him a small smile. ] We must not falter - but it becomes easier to hold such things when we don't do so alone. I'm happy, to struggle through that with you.
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[Things make more sense now. Rin feels glad that Xie Lian feels comfortable enough to share this pain with him. He's not wrong either: struggling together makes heavy weights more tolerable.It's that sentiment that lets Rin speak with a bit more ease, with a bit less weight on his shoulders.]
Then we'll struggle together. If that White No Face shows up, then between the two of us we could kick his ass. And if the demon in my heart gets out and starts causing trouble then I'll trust you to punch him a few times so I can get control back.
Guys like that are scary, but they're not impossible to defeat. No enemy is impossible.
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[ rin's rousing speech is so familiar that xie lian can't help but smile at him, even with the thought of the white no face coming. xie lian prays - prays, prays, prays - that such a fate could never befall rin, or any of the people here. no matter how strong he is, he wouldn't wish that fate on anyone.
...still, that fear is quiet, and rests at peace in his heart, for now. xie lian instead lets rin's words move him, and nods his head. ]
Thank you, Rin. I would be more than happy to punch a demon or two for you.
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[He holds his hand out to Xie Lian for a fist bump. Has Xie Lian learned how to fist bump? If not, he's going to learn today.]