you are standing in the royal holy pavilion, and you can smell smoke in the air. it's the first breath of relief after a crowd of resentful spirits swarmed the holy temple, and you, crown prince, were able to near instantly find the vital spot to disperse them. there's a magnificent sword in your hand; you are dressed in fine, pure white clothing, and thrumming with powerful spiritual energy.
your two bodyguards kneel on the floor, both sooty but otherwise fine, and in front of them, a young child holds his head. he is filthy, wearing red and covered in bandages, and he is surrounded by three deputy guoshi. your tutor, famed mei nianqing, grand master guoshi, renowned for his skills and talents in fortune tellers sits in front of you, and he looks horrified.
"your highness" he says, suddenly, springing to his feet, "you really shouldn't have brought that thing up this mountain. that small child is toxic! his sign is borne of the most ominous star, the star of solitude, destined to bring misfortune and destruction, the kind that evil loves most. whoever touches him will have misfortune befall them, whoever gets close will lose their lives--"
before he can finish, though, a scream rips out of the throat of the tiny, red wearing child. he is young, barely ten years old, but the noise is agonized, filled to the brim with unmistakable, unspeakable pain and sorrow, and he runs full speed at the guoshi to headbutt him, then starts flailing - he hits and tears and cries at the guoshi, wailing like a miserable animal.
around you, the deputy guoshi gasp, horrified, and your bodyguards leap to their feet. they tear the child away from the guoshi, who scrambles backwards, yelling "MAKE HIM GO DOWN THE MOUNTAIN, HURRY! Don't touch him, I mean it! That fortune is too toxic! Don't touch him!"
the deputy guoshi jump as if they were burned. your bodyguards are frozen to the spot, and everyone avoids the child like he is poisonous - it just makes it worse. the child screams, and thrashes, and bites at anything he can, like a wild animal. "I'M NOT!! I'M NOT, I'M NOT!"
and you, crown prince, holy child, beloved son, come back to your senses.
and you walk forward. you keep walking, forward, forward, past the deputy guoshi, and drop to your knees behind the child
and you take him in your arms from behind. ] You're not. I know you're not. Don't cry, now. I know you're not.
[ the child stops, frozen in your arms, like a wild, captured animal. his tiny hands catch the white fabric of your sleeves, spreading grime from the spot, and hold on for dear life. he takes a deep breath --you feel him trembling in your arms, tiny, emaciated, terrified thing, and you close your eyes.
and you feel something in that child's body just give. he takes a deep, heaving breath, and bursts into tears.
your heart breaks.
you pull the child closer to yourself, and speak, again, firmly. you will not be questioned. ] It's not you. It's not your fault.
[ the child whips around, suddenly, buries his face in your chest, and begins to wail.
the guoshi warns you, one last time - i mean it, it's best to let go, and you shake your head, and hold the tiny hong-er in your arms, so that if he falls apart, you can keep his pieces together. you let him scream and cry, like a wounded animal sobbing its last breaths, the desperate cries of a grown man breaking down instead of the misery of a ten year old. you ignore your advisers, let him soak the front of your snow white robes with his tears and blood and dirt. you don't care.
bad luck be damned; hong er is not an ominous star. he is a child, who deserves to be loved. who deserves kindness. who has suffered, so very much, so much so that his sobs rattle his bones, rattle the entire pavilion.
you will not be the reason he continues to suffer.
if this child's misery is - is heaven fated, then you, crown prince, beloved son, soon-to-be-god -- you will change his fate with your bare hands.
[As the memory fades, there's another sobbing that replaces it. It's quiet, nothing more than a sharp intake of breath and a shuddering exhale shortly after. But it's there, as are the tears that are gathering at the corners of his eyes are just as real and present as his attempts to keep from losing his shit and cry for real.]
Fuck- fucking hell-
[He sniffs in loudly and lifts his hand to wipe at his eyes, trying to dry his tears before they start falling. He's not going to lose it over a memory like that, no. Even if it hits so close to home that it hurts his heart. It feels like he's trying to swallow down liquid fire, it burns him in such a way that he feels like he'll start crying at any moment.
But he can't, he won't. He's not a child being comforted by a compassionate adult. He can keep himself together.]
well, he does get to be a child, comforted by a compassionate adult, because xie lian realizes that rin is crying about a second too late. he makes a soft, fussy noise - san lang echoing him, and immediately reaches into his sleeve for a handkerchief, offering it. ]
Oh, Rin, my apologies... [ pOOR GUY PLEASE!!! YOUR TEARS!!! ]
[Rin isn't thinking when he reaches out for that handkerchief. He's normally reluctant to accept help at all, but his face really is starting to feel hot with tears. He needs to get it together. He needs to stop thinking about how relatable that whole situation is.
Of course, when he touches the handkerchief, his hand also touches the glass fragment that went along for a ride. And there's one memory in particular that's on Rin's mind right now.]
[The door opens up into a large, ornate room with bright lights and glimmering walls. Darkness is cast in the back wings of the upper floors, hiding the numerous watchers, but within the courtroom itself there isn't a hint of shadows. Their chattering makes Rin uneasy, and all he can do is grit his teeth.
He's not walking fast enough, and the blonde asshole behind him shoves him forward, making him stumble to his knees. A moment later, the sharp pain of a broadsword going through his ankle is enough to make Rin scream. "He'll heal," the man says, like that makes it hurt any less. Already the rage simmering inside Rin's gut is boiling up again.
rin feels so loudly - when the memory ends, xie lian is left blinking, a phantom pain echoing on his ankle at the back of his leg, and he takes in a sharp, deep breath. right away, he can make the connection as to why he was so emotional over the memory of xie lian's the glass shared, because he sees that little boy, in the way the court talks about rin.
he touches his hand to his own heart; it swells, with empathy, with emotion of his own.
and after a long moment, he exhales. ]
...What you said, at the end. [ i'm rin okumura! ] You were the one in the right, you know.
[The outburst isn't directed at Xie Lian, Rin just is Feeling Too Much and doesn't know how to respond to that besides by yelling. He's wiping at his face more fervently now, and that handkerchief is going to get pretty wet with tears soon enough.
And, as he often does when he's upset, Rin starts to babble.]
It's not right, you know! People aren't things! They're- they're real and have feelings of their own, and you can't just kick 'em to the curb and expect them not to feel anything about it! Even if they're cursed, they're still people!
[He can't even tell if he's upset for that child from Xie Lian's memory, or if he's upset because of the lingering pain of his own past. Maybe it's both at the same time.]
[ let it out, bud. xie lian stays calm as rin yells, his hands gently clasped in front of himself, silks falling over his hands as he listens.
even as he is quiet and calm, as rin is babbling, the look in his eyes tells his real emotions - there's a swirling storm of agreement and empathy, compassion. fiercely understanding of every word rin is saying, supportive. ]
You're right. [ it's that same tone from the memory with the child. strong and unyielding, but gentle, too. ] You're right, Rin.
[That look, that understanding, that compassion...it reminds Rin of someone long gone, of someone he would give anything to see just one more time.
...he shouldn't say anything. Yukio had already warned him not to say anything incriminating to Xie Lian, that the man could use it against them if he did. But the words come spilling out of his mouth just like the tears that roll down his cheeks, nothing able to stop either of them effectively.]
I- Me 'n Yukio, we- we're not supposed to be alive. Dad was ordered to kill us when we were born, so that we couldn't harm the world.
["Destined to bring misfortune and destruction". Rin is very familiar with those words, and not just because of Xie Lian's memory.
Rin is now pressing his hand against the side of his face, though it does nothing to cover up how upset he is right now.]
But he didn't. He saved us instead, and raised us like normal kids. He just- he took these two hellspawn newborns he found and said "these are my kids now". Who does that, huh? Who- why did he do that?
[ oh, and listening to this - his heart just aches.
it's so, so reminiscent of a child cursed by the star of solitude that the nostalgia almost punches xie lian in the gut - the sobbing, angry rin in front of him has that same desperate energy to his cries that hong-er did, once upon a time. he thinks not of the feral child in the holy pavilion, but the tiny young boy with the bandages over his eye, who begged xie lian for a reason to live.
why was i saved, rin asks, and xie lian steps forward, a little closer. he reaches to pull his sleeve over his own hand, and then sets a gentle palm on the back of rin's, to push his hand off of his face, and to catch his gaze, too. his words are serious, but just utterly, completely compassionate, full of conviction, as he lifts his now covered hand to gently wipe away the tears, if rin will let him. ]
Because a family like that - that is your destiny. [ even if he fights with his brother. xie lian doesn't know rin's father, but just the sheer affection that rin talks about him with, (how he described his prayers, just a few short weeks ago) and the description of his father's utterly kind act is enough. ] To be loved, as any one should always be.
...Your father was a good man. [ his voice softens a little, here, but it's utterly fullhearted. ] And you are good, too.
plz ignore the white hair icons, his black hair ones just didn't have the right expressions
["That is your destiny. To be loved, as any one should always be."
Rin does hold still for Xie Lian, and he lets him wipe his face. But as soon as Xie Lian says that, more tears start streaming down his face, covering up any dryness left. He's biting his lip to try and keep from crying, but he can't stop his eyes from leaking.
Then he squeezes his eyes shut and tries to say something, but all that comes out is a cracked first syllable of a word.]
I-
[A sudden sniff, and he reaches up like he's going to wipe at his face again, but Xie Lian's hands are in the way so instead he just grabs onto Xie Lian's sleeve.
He feels like a lost child right now, and part of him is angry at himself for being so openly weak. But these are feelings he's been avoiding for months, if not longer, and there's no stopping them now.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Fuck- fucking hell-
[He sniffs in loudly and lifts his hand to wipe at his eyes, trying to dry his tears before they start falling. He's not going to lose it over a memory like that, no. Even if it hits so close to home that it hurts his heart. It feels like he's trying to swallow down liquid fire, it burns him in such a way that he feels like he'll start crying at any moment.
But he can't, he won't. He's not a child being comforted by a compassionate adult. He can keep himself together.]
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well, he does get to be a child, comforted by a compassionate adult, because xie lian realizes that rin is crying about a second too late. he makes a soft, fussy noise - san lang echoing him, and immediately reaches into his sleeve for a handkerchief, offering it. ]
Oh, Rin, my apologies... [ pOOR GUY PLEASE!!! YOUR TEARS!!! ]
1/2
Of course, when he touches the handkerchief, his hand also touches the glass fragment that went along for a ride. And there's one memory in particular that's on Rin's mind right now.]
cw: gore (just a little bit in one panel)
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rin feels so loudly - when the memory ends, xie lian is left blinking, a phantom pain echoing on his ankle at the back of his leg, and he takes in a sharp, deep breath. right away, he can make the connection as to why he was so emotional over the memory of xie lian's the glass shared, because he sees that little boy, in the way the court talks about rin.
he touches his hand to his own heart; it swells, with empathy, with emotion of his own.
and after a long moment, he exhales. ]
...What you said, at the end. [ i'm rin okumura! ] You were the one in the right, you know.
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[The outburst isn't directed at Xie Lian, Rin just is Feeling Too Much and doesn't know how to respond to that besides by yelling. He's wiping at his face more fervently now, and that handkerchief is going to get pretty wet with tears soon enough.
And, as he often does when he's upset, Rin starts to babble.]
It's not right, you know! People aren't things! They're- they're real and have feelings of their own, and you can't just kick 'em to the curb and expect them not to feel anything about it! Even if they're cursed, they're still people!
[He can't even tell if he's upset for that child from Xie Lian's memory, or if he's upset because of the lingering pain of his own past. Maybe it's both at the same time.]
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even as he is quiet and calm, as rin is babbling, the look in his eyes tells his real emotions - there's a swirling storm of agreement and empathy, compassion. fiercely understanding of every word rin is saying, supportive. ]
You're right. [ it's that same tone from the memory with the child. strong and unyielding, but gentle, too. ] You're right, Rin.
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...he shouldn't say anything. Yukio had already warned him not to say anything incriminating to Xie Lian, that the man could use it against them if he did. But the words come spilling out of his mouth just like the tears that roll down his cheeks, nothing able to stop either of them effectively.]
I- Me 'n Yukio, we- we're not supposed to be alive. Dad was ordered to kill us when we were born, so that we couldn't harm the world.
["Destined to bring misfortune and destruction". Rin is very familiar with those words, and not just because of Xie Lian's memory.
Rin is now pressing his hand against the side of his face, though it does nothing to cover up how upset he is right now.]
But he didn't. He saved us instead, and raised us like normal kids. He just- he took these two hellspawn newborns he found and said "these are my kids now". Who does that, huh? Who- why did he do that?
Why was I saved?
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it's so, so reminiscent of a child cursed by the star of solitude that the nostalgia almost punches xie lian in the gut - the sobbing, angry rin in front of him has that same desperate energy to his cries that hong-er did, once upon a time. he thinks not of the feral child in the holy pavilion, but the tiny young boy with the bandages over his eye, who begged xie lian for a reason to live.
why was i saved, rin asks, and xie lian steps forward, a little closer. he reaches to pull his sleeve over his own hand, and then sets a gentle palm on the back of rin's, to push his hand off of his face, and to catch his gaze, too. his words are serious, but just utterly, completely compassionate, full of conviction, as he lifts his now covered hand to gently wipe away the tears, if rin will let him. ]
Because a family like that - that is your destiny. [ even if he fights with his brother. xie lian doesn't know rin's father, but just the sheer affection that rin talks about him with, (how he described his prayers, just a few short weeks ago) and the description of his father's utterly kind act is enough. ] To be loved, as any one should always be.
...Your father was a good man. [ his voice softens a little, here, but it's utterly fullhearted. ] And you are good, too.
plz ignore the white hair icons, his black hair ones just didn't have the right expressions
Rin does hold still for Xie Lian, and he lets him wipe his face. But as soon as Xie Lian says that, more tears start streaming down his face, covering up any dryness left. He's biting his lip to try and keep from crying, but he can't stop his eyes from leaking.
Then he squeezes his eyes shut and tries to say something, but all that comes out is a cracked first syllable of a word.]
I-
[A sudden sniff, and he reaches up like he's going to wipe at his face again, but Xie Lian's hands are in the way so instead he just grabs onto Xie Lian's sleeve.
He feels like a lost child right now, and part of him is angry at himself for being so openly weak. But these are feelings he's been avoiding for months, if not longer, and there's no stopping them now.]