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[ it just resonates, honestly. the phrase -
kindness doesn't matter much if you keep breaking everything just hits xie lian like a punch in the gut, because he has been exactly where rin is, right now.
the idea of whispering voices calling him a failure, in a place that was xie lian's home, reeks of the white no face, and the thought of it affecting rin in the way it had affected him makes him burn, too. xie lian takes a deep breath. ]
...It does matter. [ is the first place to start. ] Rin, it matters. If you can help one person - even one person, it matters. That is the lesson that I have had to learn, and I am still trying to learn even now.
You melted the ground at the ice hotel, and you fixed it. You spoke to a killer, and brought her words of great comfort and support when she felt like she was alone, in a way no one else could. You - barely a week ago, I spoke with you about something that I have spoken of to no one, and you gave me words that - there are no words to describe how much it meant to me.
Whether you make mistakes or not doesn't matter. What matters is how you move from them. If you stay stagnant and let voices like that drag you down, then you will lose sight of yourself - when the you that you are is someone wonderful. I would sooner know you than a thousand successful generals, or a thousand people who solve crimes. I've been honored, to know you.
kindness doesn't matter much if you keep breaking everything just hits xie lian like a punch in the gut, because he has been exactly where rin is, right now.
the idea of whispering voices calling him a failure, in a place that was xie lian's home, reeks of the white no face, and the thought of it affecting rin in the way it had affected him makes him burn, too. xie lian takes a deep breath. ]
...It does matter. [ is the first place to start. ] Rin, it matters. If you can help one person - even one person, it matters. That is the lesson that I have had to learn, and I am still trying to learn even now.
You melted the ground at the ice hotel, and you fixed it. You spoke to a killer, and brought her words of great comfort and support when she felt like she was alone, in a way no one else could. You - barely a week ago, I spoke with you about something that I have spoken of to no one, and you gave me words that - there are no words to describe how much it meant to me.
Whether you make mistakes or not doesn't matter. What matters is how you move from them. If you stay stagnant and let voices like that drag you down, then you will lose sight of yourself - when the you that you are is someone wonderful. I would sooner know you than a thousand successful generals, or a thousand people who solve crimes. I've been honored, to know you.
[Xie Lian isn't wrong, those are things Rin has done to help others. Rin is just someone who judges himself more harshly than others. While he judges others by their intentions, he judges himself by his actions. It's the opposite of how most people do things, actually.
And it's hard, to hear such praise when you feel like you don't deserve it. But it's coming from Xie Lian, someone he trusts implicitly, so he can't just deny it. Even if the voices calling for his failure are loud, he tries to drown them out, to truly hear what Xie Lian is saying.
Because Xie Lian isn't the god of the central plains. He's a man with a good heart who saves unlucky children and defends those who can't defend themselves, and if he's saying something then he means it.]
It's hard, you know? I still see him when I close my eyes. I still smell the ash and embers and blood, and I still hear his final words. Even on the nights when Allen's right there, sometimes I still have those same nightmares. Sometimes...
[Sometimes you're still just a 16-year-old boy who's struggling to cope with the fact that he killed someone, demonic possession notwithstanding.]
I just...I'm trying, I really am. And I know there's people counting on me to be the strong one here. But it's hard, okay? I just close my eyes and I can see him laying there, smiling like he was happy to see me, even while he was dying.
['it wasn't my intention to surprise you in this way...'
Those words still ring in his ears, even now.]
And it's hard, to hear such praise when you feel like you don't deserve it. But it's coming from Xie Lian, someone he trusts implicitly, so he can't just deny it. Even if the voices calling for his failure are loud, he tries to drown them out, to truly hear what Xie Lian is saying.
Because Xie Lian isn't the god of the central plains. He's a man with a good heart who saves unlucky children and defends those who can't defend themselves, and if he's saying something then he means it.]
It's hard, you know? I still see him when I close my eyes. I still smell the ash and embers and blood, and I still hear his final words. Even on the nights when Allen's right there, sometimes I still have those same nightmares. Sometimes...
[Sometimes you're still just a 16-year-old boy who's struggling to cope with the fact that he killed someone, demonic possession notwithstanding.]
I just...I'm trying, I really am. And I know there's people counting on me to be the strong one here. But it's hard, okay? I just close my eyes and I can see him laying there, smiling like he was happy to see me, even while he was dying.
['it wasn't my intention to surprise you in this way...'
Those words still ring in his ears, even now.]
[ baby. BABY. ]
...I know it is. [ the ash, the embers, the blood. the words bring up memories for xie lian too, and those four words are filled with empathy, an aching, soft thing. as it happens, san lang wriggles free of his spot underneath the tiger daemon and gets up, scurrying over to rin; he then shifts, transforming from ferret to qilin.
he bows his head, in front of rin, lowering it close, as if offering - or perhaps asking - for the touch. the comfort of trust, the comfort of warmth, of wanting to offer something to someone else from your very soul.
xie lian watches it happen, keeping his hands curled gently in his lap. ]
... I think you will always have those nightmares. [ is the first thing he says, softly, from experience. ] Those injuries do not go away as easily as we want them to, and there are no words - even "he did it because he loved you" - that will make that wound heal.
But... that you're trying matters - and that you keep moving matters, too. And... if others expect you to be strong [ as they once expected of xie lian, the prince holding the world on his golden shoulders, until he couldn't ] - then, if you ever need a place to hurt, you can always come find me.
...I know it is. [ the ash, the embers, the blood. the words bring up memories for xie lian too, and those four words are filled with empathy, an aching, soft thing. as it happens, san lang wriggles free of his spot underneath the tiger daemon and gets up, scurrying over to rin; he then shifts, transforming from ferret to qilin.
he bows his head, in front of rin, lowering it close, as if offering - or perhaps asking - for the touch. the comfort of trust, the comfort of warmth, of wanting to offer something to someone else from your very soul.
xie lian watches it happen, keeping his hands curled gently in his lap. ]
... I think you will always have those nightmares. [ is the first thing he says, softly, from experience. ] Those injuries do not go away as easily as we want them to, and there are no words - even "he did it because he loved you" - that will make that wound heal.
But... that you're trying matters - and that you keep moving matters, too. And... if others expect you to be strong [ as they once expected of xie lian, the prince holding the world on his golden shoulders, until he couldn't ] - then, if you ever need a place to hurt, you can always come find me.
[Rin's first instinct is to say 'until you die too', but he doesn't say that. It will remain a troubling thought in his mind for now.
Instead, he glances down to San Lang in ferret form. He's hesitant to reach out, but San Lang's behavior is very easy to understand. Rowan had done something similar, not too long again. So Rin glances between Xie Lian and San Lang a couple times, making sure it's honestly alright. Then he reaches out a shaky hand to gently touch San Lang on top of his head.
A moment later, assuming Xie Lian doesn't double over in pain or something, Rin finds himself biting down on his lip to keep from making any sounds. All he can do in that moment is sniffle and give Xie Lian a nod.
Time won't heal these wounds, but he doesn't have to carry them alone. Weight shared with a friend is weight easier to carry. And he can't ask Xie Lian to share his burdens if he's not sharing his own in kind, right?]
Instead, he glances down to San Lang in ferret form. He's hesitant to reach out, but San Lang's behavior is very easy to understand. Rowan had done something similar, not too long again. So Rin glances between Xie Lian and San Lang a couple times, making sure it's honestly alright. Then he reaches out a shaky hand to gently touch San Lang on top of his head.
A moment later, assuming Xie Lian doesn't double over in pain or something, Rin finds himself biting down on his lip to keep from making any sounds. All he can do in that moment is sniffle and give Xie Lian a nod.
Time won't heal these wounds, but he doesn't have to carry them alone. Weight shared with a friend is weight easier to carry. And he can't ask Xie Lian to share his burdens if he's not sharing his own in kind, right?]
[Rin is trying not to think too much about what he saw at the execution. His heart is already weak from seven weeks of death and fighting and so much hard work. Which is why he's in the park, drawing on a sidewalk with some of the chalk he got a few days ago. He's got a really shitty drawing of stick-figure Rin and Yukio standing with a white-haired man in glasses between the two of them. All three are smiling, and Rin is just adding some finishing details to the drawing.
He pauses looks up to Xie Lian though.]
Oh, hey. Wanna draw?
[He is absolutely not telling Xie Lian that drawing with chalk is an activity that 5-year-olds participate in.]
He pauses looks up to Xie Lian though.]
Oh, hey. Wanna draw?
[He is absolutely not telling Xie Lian that drawing with chalk is an activity that 5-year-olds participate in.]
[ i've got some great news for you about immortality rin
san lang shifts from qilin to ferret almost at rin's unvoiced request, and when he reaches out to touch the daemon - there's no revulsion, no pain, no ache or hurt. it's just... it's just warm.
the warmth of care, of friendship, of trust. it comes from xie lian like a sunbeam, and perhaps unsurprisingly, his soul is just as gentle and warm. san lang nuzzles into rin's hand, greeting him warmly, and even lifting his tiny ferret paws up to hold his hand. ]
I'm glad that we've met, Rin. [ and when xie lian smiles at him, it's genuine. ] I truly am.
san lang shifts from qilin to ferret almost at rin's unvoiced request, and when he reaches out to touch the daemon - there's no revulsion, no pain, no ache or hurt. it's just... it's just warm.
the warmth of care, of friendship, of trust. it comes from xie lian like a sunbeam, and perhaps unsurprisingly, his soul is just as gentle and warm. san lang nuzzles into rin's hand, greeting him warmly, and even lifting his tiny ferret paws up to hold his hand. ]
I'm glad that we've met, Rin. [ and when xie lian smiles at him, it's genuine. ] I truly am.
[Just warm. Like how Rin's fire is just warm, when he controls it properly.
Rin finds himself smiling despite how wet his face is starting to feel. This warmth, this welcoming, it feels like home and it's a feeling Rin has been missing sorely ever since his father died.
He's gentle with San Lang, careful to pet him on the head and let the ferret hold onto his hand.]
Yeah. I'm glad I met you too.
[It's easy to forget what Rin has been through in the last year, what with how much he smiles and acts like he's okay, but sometimes he can't help but show he's only 16 and has been through so much already. Those are the moments when the comfort is appreciated most.]
Rin finds himself smiling despite how wet his face is starting to feel. This warmth, this welcoming, it feels like home and it's a feeling Rin has been missing sorely ever since his father died.
He's gentle with San Lang, careful to pet him on the head and let the ferret hold onto his hand.]
Yeah. I'm glad I met you too.
[It's easy to forget what Rin has been through in the last year, what with how much he smiles and acts like he's okay, but sometimes he can't help but show he's only 16 and has been through so much already. Those are the moments when the comfort is appreciated most.]
[Time to go looking for Xie Lian! Because he sure ran out of that town hall fast.]
Oiiii! Xie Lian! Where'd you go?
[Yeah he's just. Calling out for him. They're all outside it's fine, Xie Lian will hear him.]
Oiiii! Xie Lian! Where'd you go?
[Yeah he's just. Calling out for him. They're all outside it's fine, Xie Lian will hear him.]
Edited 2021-11-16 03:30 (UTC)
[It's fine we can PC again tomorrow after finding out Lup's fate.]
There you are.
[He's going to move to sit down near Xie Lian, mimicking his pose as best as he can.]
You got out of there fast, I thought you-
[And then he lets out an 'oof' as a 30-ish pound wolverine tries to climb up into Rin's lap, mimicking how San Lang is being held.]
-c'mon, you're too big for this!
There you are.
[He's going to move to sit down near Xie Lian, mimicking his pose as best as he can.]
You got out of there fast, I thought you-
[And then he lets out an 'oof' as a 30-ish pound wolverine tries to climb up into Rin's lap, mimicking how San Lang is being held.]
-c'mon, you're too big for this!
[ ahglksdjh rinkou you big baby.
the sight is goofy, and it brings a little bit of a smile to xie lian's face - he huffs a laugh and watches. san lang is no help at all, just twitching his nose in rinkou's direction. is it possible for a bunny to look amused? ]
Ah, she's cute.
the sight is goofy, and it brings a little bit of a smile to xie lian's face - he huffs a laugh and watches. san lang is no help at all, just twitching his nose in rinkou's direction. is it possible for a bunny to look amused? ]
Ah, she's cute.
She likes to think she's cute. I'm sure Kuro will lecture her plenty about it when we get back to my world.
[A huff!!! But it's okay, Rinkou is settled down and seems content.]
I was thinking of getting like...one of those baby carrier things, and hauling her around on my back. Or something.
[A huff!!! But it's okay, Rinkou is settled down and seems content.]
I was thinking of getting like...one of those baby carrier things, and hauling her around on my back. Or something.
[Good. He didn't expect Xie Lian to actually sleep, he knows what this dumb prince is like, but sitting and leaning against something is enough for now. Rin will go right over and sit next to Xie Lian.]
Hey.
[A pause. He watches as Rinkou roots around for San Lang, ready to groom the poor belabored daemon.]
We did it.
Hey.
[A pause. He watches as Rinkou roots around for San Lang, ready to groom the poor belabored daemon.]
We did it.
[ san lang is qilin formed at the moment! he is very large and curled up around xie lian, so. spotting rinkou, he makes a little noise and stretches his neck out to let rinkou groom as much as she wants. sweet baby. ]
So we did.
[ he's got the chain still - it's around his neck, now, where baraqiel put it on him. ] You did wonderfully, Rin. I could not have completed that without you.
So we did.
[ he's got the chain still - it's around his neck, now, where baraqiel put it on him. ] You did wonderfully, Rin. I could not have completed that without you.
[ ...
truthfully, xie lian wasn't conscious enough to hear them, but he's not stupid. does that mean rin prayed for him, while he was....
....
he turns his face down to his lap, for a moment, hiding his small smile, but more so, hiding how utterly touched he is. how important it is to xie lian, that people believed in him again. ]
... They must have.
truthfully, xie lian wasn't conscious enough to hear them, but he's not stupid. does that mean rin prayed for him, while he was....
....
he turns his face down to his lap, for a moment, hiding his small smile, but more so, hiding how utterly touched he is. how important it is to xie lian, that people believed in him again. ]
... They must have.
[Rin lets out a sigh of relief.]
Good. I was so worried about doing it wrong and messing things up. In my world there's so many gods and spirits and shit and you have to say the prayers exactly right or they won't listen to you. But I'm not good at memorizing exact words, and I was panicked anyway, so...
[But it worked. Or Rin thinks it worked at least. So.]
I never thought I'd be praying "stay with us" to a god though. That one's new.
Good. I was so worried about doing it wrong and messing things up. In my world there's so many gods and spirits and shit and you have to say the prayers exactly right or they won't listen to you. But I'm not good at memorizing exact words, and I was panicked anyway, so...
[But it worked. Or Rin thinks it worked at least. So.]
I never thought I'd be praying "stay with us" to a god though. That one's new.
Edited 2021-11-20 16:16 (UTC)
[ his heart is so warm, honestly. ]
...It is the intention that matters. There was a time when I could not listen to every prayer, but it was not because I didn't want to, or because they weren't said correctly. [ there were just too goddamn many. ] If your heart is in it, then a god should be able to find it.
[ weh. he tilts his head to rin and smiles, again. ]
In my realm, it is almost impossible to kill me. I believe the rules of the place we are in made things more complicated, so - you and Kaeya saved me.
[ even if they didn't, necessarily, but - they did, in so many ways. ]
... I am sorry, that you had to encounter the White No Face, more than anything - and for what he did to you, as well. Even if you were forced into causing an injury, you broke free of his influence. I am proud of you, for so many reasons - but for that, especially.
We all faced moments of great suffering and weakness, and relied on each other to survive them. That means something.
...It is the intention that matters. There was a time when I could not listen to every prayer, but it was not because I didn't want to, or because they weren't said correctly. [ there were just too goddamn many. ] If your heart is in it, then a god should be able to find it.
[ weh. he tilts his head to rin and smiles, again. ]
In my realm, it is almost impossible to kill me. I believe the rules of the place we are in made things more complicated, so - you and Kaeya saved me.
[ even if they didn't, necessarily, but - they did, in so many ways. ]
... I am sorry, that you had to encounter the White No Face, more than anything - and for what he did to you, as well. Even if you were forced into causing an injury, you broke free of his influence. I am proud of you, for so many reasons - but for that, especially.
We all faced moments of great suffering and weakness, and relied on each other to survive them. That means something.
We're stronger together than we are apart.
[Not that the previous group had strife that prevented them from succeeding, Alisaie and Akira and van Zieks all did their best. But they were four very different personalities caught in a situation that preyed on their weaknesses and made it difficult to teamwork anything. At least this time they had the focus of "find Hua Cheng's item or he'll heckin' die".]
That guy was an asshole, but it's nothing you need to apologize for. I know people like that. People who attack others just to hurt their actual target in the feelings instead of in the body. If anything, that just tells me that you care so much about me that someone else tried to use me to hurt you.
[Rin, trying to focus on the good in a shitty situation.]
[Not that the previous group had strife that prevented them from succeeding, Alisaie and Akira and van Zieks all did their best. But they were four very different personalities caught in a situation that preyed on their weaknesses and made it difficult to teamwork anything. At least this time they had the focus of "find Hua Cheng's item or he'll heckin' die".]
That guy was an asshole, but it's nothing you need to apologize for. I know people like that. People who attack others just to hurt their actual target in the feelings instead of in the body. If anything, that just tells me that you care so much about me that someone else tried to use me to hurt you.
[Rin, trying to focus on the good in a shitty situation.]
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