While I was there, in the kiln, I kept hearing whispers. Sometimes familiar voices, sometimes not. But they kept talking about how much of a failure I am, of how I'm useless and I can't save anyone. That a monster like me never could save anyone in the first place.
And I tried to ignore it! It was obviously just something trying to get at me, yeah? But week after week shit just keeps happening, and every time I try to do something to help it always goes wrong. I tried to get my sword fixed, and I killed a guy instead. I tried to take responsibility for that, and my own brother killed himself to save me. I tried real hard to follow the clues and find the killers, and I spent weeks talking to a killer without realizing it. I melted the ground at that ice hotel. I fucked up getting clues. I fucked up using the spray paint today.
I'm just...no good at any of this, you know? I can try to be kind and compassionate and stuff, but what good is that when people keep dying and I can't do anything to solve their murders, much less stop them? Kindness doesn't matter much if you keep breaking everything. And every time something goes wrong, I keep thinking back to those voices and going "maybe they were right after all." Because one fuckup is like, okay, everyone makes mistakes sometimes. But it keeps happening. And if I keep seeing fuckups, then...it's me, isn't it?
[This boy's self-confidence is through the floor whoops. CYOA effects + low self-worth = disaster.]
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timeasmymeasure
cw: brief mention of suicide
Date: 2021-11-14 03:29 am (UTC)And I tried to ignore it! It was obviously just something trying to get at me, yeah? But week after week shit just keeps happening, and every time I try to do something to help it always goes wrong. I tried to get my sword fixed, and I killed a guy instead. I tried to take responsibility for that, and my own brother killed himself to save me. I tried real hard to follow the clues and find the killers, and I spent weeks talking to a killer without realizing it. I melted the ground at that ice hotel. I fucked up getting clues. I fucked up using the spray paint today.
I'm just...no good at any of this, you know? I can try to be kind and compassionate and stuff, but what good is that when people keep dying and I can't do anything to solve their murders, much less stop them? Kindness doesn't matter much if you keep breaking everything. And every time something goes wrong, I keep thinking back to those voices and going "maybe they were right after all." Because one fuckup is like, okay, everyone makes mistakes sometimes. But it keeps happening. And if I keep seeing fuckups, then...it's me, isn't it?
[This boy's self-confidence is through the floor whoops. CYOA effects + low self-worth = disaster.]