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[It's something almost unfathomable to Rin, who was raised in a church that praised one god as all-knowing and always correct. Even when he grew older and started to think that religion wasn't right, he still never considered that the gods might be fallible. He thought his perceptions of religion were his own troubles, not troubles with the religion.
But seeing Xie Lian here in front of him, admitting to this, it makes it all feel more real.Xie Lian is a god, or so he claims, and he struggles with the same things Rin struggles with. They're all struggling, is it? Well, maybe they can struggle together.]
He can see my heart and he knows all of the things that bother me the most. I hate how I always mess things up, I hate how violent I get sometimes, and I hate how I keep failing to save the people most important to me. Those are the things he keeps picking at, trying to wear me down so he can take control again.
But you struggle with that too, huh? Then...it doesn't feel as lonely. And if you can find ways to keep it quiet, then maybe I can too.
But seeing Xie Lian here in front of him, admitting to this, it makes it all feel more real.Xie Lian is a god, or so he claims, and he struggles with the same things Rin struggles with. They're all struggling, is it? Well, maybe they can struggle together.]
He can see my heart and he knows all of the things that bother me the most. I hate how I always mess things up, I hate how violent I get sometimes, and I hate how I keep failing to save the people most important to me. Those are the things he keeps picking at, trying to wear me down so he can take control again.
But you struggle with that too, huh? Then...it doesn't feel as lonely. And if you can find ways to keep it quiet, then maybe I can too.
...I have a demon of my own. He is not in my heart, as literally as yours is, but... he does much of the same.
[ speaking the vile name of that creature still spooks xie lian - as if he may suddenly appear. some part of him wonders if he already has, puppeting this place the way he puppeted xie lian's home. ]
...He is called the White No Face. A creature, like the ghosts you saw in the Kiln, wearing a mask - half smiling, half crying. He chose me as a target some time ago, and told me many of the same things, but instead of controlling me, chose to destroy my kingdom and my people for reasons I still do not know.
[ xie lian, xie lian, you're going to lose!
even now, he can recall the sight of his own face behind that white mask with crystal clarity. it sends a chill down his spine - san lang, still qilin formed, makes a soft noise and abruptly shifts, curling closer to xie lian himself, protective. ]
I did not defeat him - escaped him, rather. I have not seen him since Xian Le fell, yet his words still haunt my waking and resting moments, and I often find myself wondering if he has simply decided to complete his toying with me and move on to torment someone else. The thought makes me even angrier - I cannot bear the thought of someone going through what I did.
And though it would be easier to never see him again, I wish that cowardly supreme would show his face to me once more, so I could destroy him for the things he has done.
...so you are right. Our strength in these times comes not from bearing these weights alone, but struggling through them together. [ xie lian turns his head to rin, now, and gives him a small smile. ] We must not falter - but it becomes easier to hold such things when we don't do so alone. I'm happy, to struggle through that with you.
[ speaking the vile name of that creature still spooks xie lian - as if he may suddenly appear. some part of him wonders if he already has, puppeting this place the way he puppeted xie lian's home. ]
...He is called the White No Face. A creature, like the ghosts you saw in the Kiln, wearing a mask - half smiling, half crying. He chose me as a target some time ago, and told me many of the same things, but instead of controlling me, chose to destroy my kingdom and my people for reasons I still do not know.
[ xie lian, xie lian, you're going to lose!
even now, he can recall the sight of his own face behind that white mask with crystal clarity. it sends a chill down his spine - san lang, still qilin formed, makes a soft noise and abruptly shifts, curling closer to xie lian himself, protective. ]
I did not defeat him - escaped him, rather. I have not seen him since Xian Le fell, yet his words still haunt my waking and resting moments, and I often find myself wondering if he has simply decided to complete his toying with me and move on to torment someone else. The thought makes me even angrier - I cannot bear the thought of someone going through what I did.
And though it would be easier to never see him again, I wish that cowardly supreme would show his face to me once more, so I could destroy him for the things he has done.
...so you are right. Our strength in these times comes not from bearing these weights alone, but struggling through them together. [ xie lian turns his head to rin, now, and gives him a small smile. ] We must not falter - but it becomes easier to hold such things when we don't do so alone. I'm happy, to struggle through that with you.
So that's why you asked me if I saw a man in a mask, huh...?
[Things make more sense now. Rin feels glad that Xie Lian feels comfortable enough to share this pain with him. He's not wrong either: struggling together makes heavy weights more tolerable.It's that sentiment that lets Rin speak with a bit more ease, with a bit less weight on his shoulders.]
Then we'll struggle together. If that White No Face shows up, then between the two of us we could kick his ass. And if the demon in my heart gets out and starts causing trouble then I'll trust you to punch him a few times so I can get control back.
Guys like that are scary, but they're not impossible to defeat. No enemy is impossible.
[Things make more sense now. Rin feels glad that Xie Lian feels comfortable enough to share this pain with him. He's not wrong either: struggling together makes heavy weights more tolerable.It's that sentiment that lets Rin speak with a bit more ease, with a bit less weight on his shoulders.]
Then we'll struggle together. If that White No Face shows up, then between the two of us we could kick his ass. And if the demon in my heart gets out and starts causing trouble then I'll trust you to punch him a few times so I can get control back.
Guys like that are scary, but they're not impossible to defeat. No enemy is impossible.
I agree.
[ rin's rousing speech is so familiar that xie lian can't help but smile at him, even with the thought of the white no face coming. xie lian prays - prays, prays, prays - that such a fate could never befall rin, or any of the people here. no matter how strong he is, he wouldn't wish that fate on anyone.
...still, that fear is quiet, and rests at peace in his heart, for now. xie lian instead lets rin's words move him, and nods his head. ]
Thank you, Rin. I would be more than happy to punch a demon or two for you.
[ rin's rousing speech is so familiar that xie lian can't help but smile at him, even with the thought of the white no face coming. xie lian prays - prays, prays, prays - that such a fate could never befall rin, or any of the people here. no matter how strong he is, he wouldn't wish that fate on anyone.
...still, that fear is quiet, and rests at peace in his heart, for now. xie lian instead lets rin's words move him, and nods his head. ]
Thank you, Rin. I would be more than happy to punch a demon or two for you.
[After all of That, Rin is left feeling emotionally drained and in dire need of something to keep his mind occupied. Which is why he's at the sculpture garden, looking at the giant hole in the ground. 'Fix your fuckups' is what his father always told him, and this is a fuckup that is definitely his fault.
First Rin scoops up a handful of snow and squishes it into a ball before tossing it in. The snowball breaks upon impact with the frozen layer of ice at the bottom. Then Rin picks up a bunch of snow in both of his hands and flings it towards the hole, with most of the snow lazily drifting down. This is when he sighs pensively.]
Well. I guess this'll keep me busy until tomorrow at least.
[But then he looks up to find Xie lian, and he stops there. Hi buddy.]
First Rin scoops up a handful of snow and squishes it into a ball before tossing it in. The snowball breaks upon impact with the frozen layer of ice at the bottom. Then Rin picks up a bunch of snow in both of his hands and flings it towards the hole, with most of the snow lazily drifting down. This is when he sighs pensively.]
Well. I guess this'll keep me busy until tomorrow at least.
[But then he looks up to find Xie lian, and he stops there. Hi buddy.]
[ god, what a mood. xie lian is pacing through the ice garden today - he walks through with a steadiness to his steps, san lang in his arms in rabbit form, but his expression is a little hard to read. san lang's ears perk, though, when he hears the snow, and then rin, and xie lian turns. ]
...oh. Hello, Rin. Do you need help...?
[ he has a smile for rin, but it's tired, and doesn't quite reach his eyes. what a day. ]
...oh. Hello, Rin. Do you need help...?
[ he has a smile for rin, but it's tired, and doesn't quite reach his eyes. what a day. ]
Only if you're feeling up to it.
[He sees that tired smile. He knows how bad of a day it's been. If Xie Lian just wants to pass through the gardens, Rin won't stop him to ask for favors. That said, Rin does seem open to having company, and probably would like it more than he's admitting to.]
Watch out for Rinkou, she's making a mess over there.
['over there' being about 3 feet away, where Rinkou is burrowing her face into the snow like a fox looking for a meal.]
[He sees that tired smile. He knows how bad of a day it's been. If Xie Lian just wants to pass through the gardens, Rin won't stop him to ask for favors. That said, Rin does seem open to having company, and probably would like it more than he's admitting to.]
Watch out for Rinkou, she's making a mess over there.
['over there' being about 3 feet away, where Rinkou is burrowing her face into the snow like a fox looking for a meal.]
[ ... honestly, the hard work seems like a nice distraction. he nods, and makes his way over, kneeling in the snow as he starts to pile some of it up outside of the hole. there is a method to this madness, apparently, but he doesn't share what it is, yet. ]
I don't mind at all.
[ san lang hops free of xie lian's arms when he kneels, and hops over to rinkou - then, shifts forms into his giant qilin shape instead, padding over to start digging next to rinkou. ]
Was this you? The hole.
I don't mind at all.
[ san lang hops free of xie lian's arms when he kneels, and hops over to rinkou - then, shifts forms into his giant qilin shape instead, padding over to start digging next to rinkou. ]
Was this you? The hole.
[Despite everything, they still carry on. And Rin still goes looking for Xie Lian after the trial. Wherever Xie Lian is, Rin is going to end up near him. And while he does start up with the silly prayer-speak, it's in a much more subdued voice than it usually is.]
Mysterious god of the central plains, this half-demon has but one humble request this week: that the god he prays to shares his burdens with him, rather than trying to shoulder them alone.
[Then he waits to see if Xie Lian is receptive to that or not.]
Mysterious god of the central plains, this half-demon has but one humble request this week: that the god he prays to shares his burdens with him, rather than trying to shoulder them alone.
[Then he waits to see if Xie Lian is receptive to that or not.]
[ xie lian is... in the sauna! he's sitting towards the very edge, and the coals aren't really burning - it is just warm enough to be comfortable, but he's staring out at the snowy landscape beyond.
as rin comes to talk to him, he listens... and after a moment, huffs, softly, and gives him a small, tired smile. ]
That's quite forward of you to request, in that context, you know.
as rin comes to talk to him, he listens... and after a moment, huffs, softly, and gives him a small, tired smile. ]
That's quite forward of you to request, in that context, you know.
[ that's true. also now i got mod confirmation so he's also got wagahai sitting in his lap. ]
Some gods aren't very good at listening to the rules, either. [ there's a little rueful humor to that, quiet - xie lian is pretty aware of his own failings. ] ...It has just been a very long day.
Some gods aren't very good at listening to the rules, either. [ there's a little rueful humor to that, quiet - xie lian is pretty aware of his own failings. ] ...It has just been a very long day.
[Seeing San Lang shift forms like that puts Rin at ease for some reason. But seeing the shift, it does make him smile a little.
Rin does see what Xie Lian is doing, so he'll start to do it too. He's curious! And he wants to mimic Xie Lian's methods.]
Yeah, I lost control for a moment and melted a bunch of snow. But 'he' didn't get control of me so that's a win, right?
Rin does see what Xie Lian is doing, so he'll start to do it too. He's curious! And he wants to mimic Xie Lian's methods.]
Yeah, I lost control for a moment and melted a bunch of snow. But 'he' didn't get control of me so that's a win, right?
[ wonder why that is!!
and oh - hearing that gets a genuine smile. xie lian nods, emphatically, as he builds up his snow pile. ]
Most certainly. Well done, Rin. [ PROUD OF YOU!! ] Property - things like this can always be rebuilt, can't they? Foundations will fall, but we can simply build anew upon them.
and oh - hearing that gets a genuine smile. xie lian nods, emphatically, as he builds up his snow pile. ]
Most certainly. Well done, Rin. [ PROUD OF YOU!! ] Property - things like this can always be rebuilt, can't they? Foundations will fall, but we can simply build anew upon them.
Cat petting does work, yeah.
[Rin smiles down at Wagahai. The question Xie Lian asks though, it gets an immediate answer without a moment's hesitation.]
Isn't it obvious? I'm a Celestial. I don't think you can get more chaotic than 'half-demon who flips off all the angels involved in this'.
[Rin smiles down at Wagahai. The question Xie Lian asks though, it gets an immediate answer without a moment's hesitation.]
Isn't it obvious? I'm a Celestial. I don't think you can get more chaotic than 'half-demon who flips off all the angels involved in this'.
[Praise aaaaa he's soaking it up like a sponge. Look at how happy and upbeat he is now.]
Right! Even if you mess up and do some property damage, you can come back and apologize and fix it up later. As long as you try to fix it, it'll be alright.
[People aren't as simple as property. People sometimes take longer to heal. But luckily nobody got hurt here, expect that mime but Rin didn't hurt the mime so it's fine maybe.]
Right! Even if you mess up and do some property damage, you can come back and apologize and fix it up later. As long as you try to fix it, it'll be alright.
[People aren't as simple as property. People sometimes take longer to heal. But luckily nobody got hurt here, expect that mime but Rin didn't hurt the mime so it's fine maybe.]
[ rin's right on the money. the smile grows a little, and xie lian ducks his head. ]
...I once defied the Heavenly Emperor because I felt that the rules of the Heavens were too restricting. I wanted to save people, and I felt like I was stuck there, doing nothing. So I descended to see the people and help them without his permission.
[ he lifts his hand, gently brushing against the bandages on his throat. ] I was punished for the action, but... I still don't regret it, even now.
[ even though things didnt turn out right; even though he didn't manage to save his kingdom, or his people... it's so much better that he was able to try. sometimes xie lian wrestles even now with what would have happened if he stayed away, but... watching people suffer and doing nothing felt like more of a crime than anything. ]
...I once defied the Heavenly Emperor because I felt that the rules of the Heavens were too restricting. I wanted to save people, and I felt like I was stuck there, doing nothing. So I descended to see the people and help them without his permission.
[ he lifts his hand, gently brushing against the bandages on his throat. ] I was punished for the action, but... I still don't regret it, even now.
[ even though things didnt turn out right; even though he didn't manage to save his kingdom, or his people... it's so much better that he was able to try. sometimes xie lian wrestles even now with what would have happened if he stayed away, but... watching people suffer and doing nothing felt like more of a crime than anything. ]
[He listens to all of this, and he sighs. Of course Xie Lian would defy the Heavens. He was the one who disregarded so many warnings to protect one child, after all. Rin would be disappointed if he had learned that Xie Lian was anything but willing to say fuck you to authority to save others.]
Yeah. That sounds like something you'd do.
[He sounds proud of Xie Lian when he says that so. Fuck the rules, saving people is the most important thing.]
What did they do to you? For the punishment.
[He's looking to the bandages at Xie Lian's neck now.]
Yeah. That sounds like something you'd do.
[He sounds proud of Xie Lian when he says that so. Fuck the rules, saving people is the most important thing.]
What did they do to you? For the punishment.
[He's looking to the bandages at Xie Lian's neck now.]
[ xie lian to jun wu: YOU'RE NOT MY REAL DAD
but, he laughs a little at first at that sounds like something you'd do, because he's aware of his own qualities as a very stubborn and occasionally very stupid person, but... the laughter fades very quickly.
self consciously, he curls his hand at the bandages. ]
... Something that was worth it. [ something that is still a sore spot, it seems. ] But - it seems those of us on the Celestial team have that sort of attitude in behavior in common. [ the fuck u authority, anyway. ]
but, he laughs a little at first at that sounds like something you'd do, because he's aware of his own qualities as a very stubborn and occasionally very stupid person, but... the laughter fades very quickly.
self consciously, he curls his hand at the bandages. ]
... Something that was worth it. [ something that is still a sore spot, it seems. ] But - it seems those of us on the Celestial team have that sort of attitude in behavior in common. [ the fuck u authority, anyway. ]
...
[Something that was worth it, huh?
Well. This is the time for sharing, so even if it's something troubling Rin will share it. Because he's noticing some similarities between himself and Xie Lian, and above all else Rin wants to make sure Xie Lian doesn't feel alone in his suffering.]
You've seen the ring on my tail before, yeah? Since you do the body checks and all, usually.
[It's literally right by his ass though, so Xie Lian might have been looking away respectfully. So he's checking to see if he knows about the ring.]
[Something that was worth it, huh?
Well. This is the time for sharing, so even if it's something troubling Rin will share it. Because he's noticing some similarities between himself and Xie Lian, and above all else Rin wants to make sure Xie Lian doesn't feel alone in his suffering.]
You've seen the ring on my tail before, yeah? Since you do the body checks and all, usually.
[It's literally right by his ass though, so Xie Lian might have been looking away respectfully. So he's checking to see if he knows about the ring.]
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